Baltimore Evening Sun (11 March 1914): 6.
☜ DON’T MISS IT
Read the honest confession of a clergynian snared by the uplift--and now cured! Ponder the words of this sincere penitent ! Cut out his apologia and paste it in your hat! ☜ Some anonymous lady, outraged by recent remarks in this place upon the lack of romance in women, has come at me with a long letter in defense of her sex. I quote a waspish strophe:
We have our uses, even though they may be nothing more than to sit and look in interested while some enthusiastic male describes to us how well the world would turn round if he only had the oiling of the wheels. ☜ This estimable lady does my doctrine a grave injustice. When I pointed out the lack of romance in women it was not to damn them for it, but to praise them. The romantic point of view, so often encountered in men, is the worst of all enemies of civilization. It has been the cause of every persecution in history and of four out of five wars; it is the cause today of the vice crusade, the prohibition campaign and all tho other current efforts to convert the world into a brummagem heaven overnight. The only women who swallow such perunas are the suffragettes, who are merely bad imitations of men--Caruso records, so to speak, on the cosmic phonograph. The great body of normal women are against all that buncombe and knock it out whenever they get the vote. ☜ The chief characteristics of such normal women is their possession of that sharp common semse, that quick recognition of shams, that devastating saneness which is commonly visualized as a sense of humor. In brief, it is difficult to fool them: they do the fooling thomselves. This explains their capacity for listening to the loud and idiotic boasting of men. The latter mistake their complaisance for appreciation, admiration, even envy, but in reality it has its roots in humor. Women are able to listen because they enjoy seeing men make asses of themselves, and of that enjoyment they get a plenty. They are seldom, if ever, drecived and then only by temporary lapses into romanticism. A woman in love with a man may conceivably take his rhodomontades seriously, but once married to him she quickly sees him for the windy fraud that he is. Thereafter she no longer venerates him: she merely pities him. ☜ There is, of course, a danger lurking in this sureness of vision, and that is the danger of falling into cynicism. Too many married women, I believe, come to the conclusion that their husbands have no merit whatever, not even as clowns. This conclusion may be sound, and perhaps it usually is, but it is obviously very uncomfortable, particularly to the husbands. A man likes to cherish his illusions. He likes to think that his wife admires him, respects him, looks up to him. When she drops her mask and frankly pokes fun at him, his amour propre receives a terrific wallop, and what was once a scene of concord becomes a scene of suspicion. This is the cause, I believe, of 84.5 per cent. of all the divorces in our fair republic, and of between 65 and 67 per cent. of the wife murders. ☜ The Rev. Dr. W. A. Koontz to the braying uplifters of the Ministerial Alliance:
Brethren, brethren, we are not bums or ward politicians, but Christian brethren--I hope. ☜ Hope springs eternal in the human breast! ☜ Wait for the Complete Chart of the Uplift! I have been working on it for six months, with the aid of an enormous staff of morbid psychologists, and it will be printed in this place before the end of the week. Don’t miss it! Something to paste in your scrapbook and hand down to your children! Perhaps the greatest triumph of American scholarship! Don’t miss it, I prithee!--Adv. ☜ The betting odds in the poolrooms, as reported by the Boy Snouts:
100 to 1 that Back River will not be dry on Sunday, May 3, 1914. ☜ A large view of the Hon. D. Harry, showing him wearing a pearl scarfpin, adorns the first page of this week’s Democratic Telegram. The Hon. S. M. Wood still hangs on as editor, but he has taken my warning and stopped greasing the City Club. Instead he prints a directory of the Democratic ward clubs, announces that “brown of a reddish cast” will be one of the fasthionable colors this spring and roasts the Hon. John Bassett Moore for knowing more international law than the Hon. William Jennings Bryan. An interesting and instructive number, but one rather lacking in punch. Ah, for the good old days when the Hon. George Arnold Frick, LL. B., clawed the hide off the immoral Sunpaper every week!–Adv. ☜ The sublime roster of virtuosi of the uplift:
Doctor Invincibilis et Seraphicus–The Rev. Dr. John Roach Straton. Doctor Universalis–Dr. Donald R. Hooker. Doctor Subtilis et Pianissimo–Dr. O. Edward Janney. Princeps Scholasticorum–The Hon. C. J. Bonaparte. Doctor Lachrymosis–The Hon. Eugene Levering. Doctor Communis–The Hon. Jack Cornell. Doctor Ecclesiae et Cantabile–The Rev. Dr. C. D. Harris. Doctor Fugacis–The Hon. William H. Anderson. ☜ And the Ministerial Union grows more and more perunian.--Adv. ☜ Cardinal Gibbons to the New Orleans correspondent of the Sunpaper:
Prohibition will never be enforced in any Christian country. ☜ What is more, the prohibitionists know it. Hence their hot efforts to turn the United States into a Mohammedan country. ☜ The Vice Commission be blowed! The vice crusade will start on schedule time! Wait for the grandest, wildest rough-house of them all!