Baltimore Evening Sun (14 January 1914): 6.
The Rev. Dr. Cy Keen, chorepiscopus of the Eastern Shore, in partibus infidelium, has asked Dr. Goldsborough to order two companies of the Boy Snouts to Salisbury to help the moral element put down the white slave traffic.
A DAILY THOUGHT. Every man must at least once in his life have the great vision of Earth as Hell.—George Macaulay Trevelyan.
Once the legislative committee finishes its investigation of the Anti-Saloon League, the Hon. Ed. Hirsch will be the first to sign a petition for the parole of the Hon. William H. Anderson.
Dr. William J. Robinson in the Medico-Pharmaceutical Critic and Guide for December, 1913 (pages 438-439), on a recent visit to the Pasteur Institute in Paris:
We saw here monkeys of different species, hundreds and hundreds of them. * * * Each one wore a brass tag and a number by which it could be identified. * * * How fearfully timid and frightened they were! As we approached a cage, they would all try to hide themselves in the remotest corner, and the terror in their faces was painful to behold. Only here and there an old ape would sit stolidly, with a hopeless expression on his or her face, as if to say: “It is useless to hide and to struggle. Go ahead and do with me whatever you please. I am ready. You are the stronger.” It was a painful spectacle, and Mrs. R., who has a particularly tender spot for animals, * * * spent an uncomfortable hour. * * *
Respectfully referred to the Maryland Anti-Vivisection Society as rich and juicy material for its pamphlets. I have edited Dr. Robinson’s description to suit the habits and purposes of the society. That is to say, I have cut out all his qualifications, and have deliberately suppressed the fact that his article is a plea for vivisection, and not against it.
The Hon. John E. Raine, editor of the Towson New Era, fills four columns in his current issue with an entertaining treatise upon the qualifications possessed by the jobholders recently appointed by the new “reform” County Commissioners. A number of these appointees, it appears, are professional uplifters of high talents, with diplomas front the College of Good Government conducted at Highlandtown by Prof. Jack O’Connor, LL. D. One of them, after graduating, was employed as a watchman at the college, and in that capacity displayed an eagle eye for snouting gendarmes. Not once, during his term of office, was the joint raided. It was currently believed by his admirers, indeed, that he could see around corners, hear a whisper in a gale of wind, and smell a cop across a cow yard.
Another of the “reform” appointees is the Hon. Dan Honberg, formerly Wirt at the celebrated Northeast Park, the scene of so many of the Rev. Dr. W. W. Davis’ evangelical forays. Dan will serve the county as road supervisor in the Fifteenth district. He studied the science of road-making at the Baltimore City Jail, where he served a term several years ago for slugging a heretic on election day. Later on Dan took to games of chance and got a certificate of proficiency from the county courts, paying $50 and costs for it. His gifts have taken him far.
All of which promises an interesting season at Back River this summer. With so many reformers on the job, the kaif-keepers down there will have to jump agilely to avoid being raided. This will add to the divertisement of the assembled bibuli. Nothing is more exciting than being raided, particularly by county cops. It is their invariable habit to trip over their own hooves while getting into the joint, and once inside, they usually stand stock still, blinking their eyes and feeling for their artillery, while the diligent waiters make away with the evidence. The result, as I say, is agreeable recreation for the drinking classes.
By telegraph, by pony express and in person my trained snouters deluge me with favorable reports upon the Rev. Tom Hare, successor to the late Anderson as head whooper of the Anti-Saloon League. One and all, they agree that he is a gifted rhetorician, a crafty politician and a high-toned gentleman. It is therefore a genuine pleasure to give him a welcome, in the name of the moral element, to our fair but sinful city. He faces, of course, a herculean task: it will strain his talents to the bursting-point to clean out the Augean stables of the Anti-Saloon League. But in this desperate business we forward-lookers can help him by agreeing to forgive and forget. Let us put the chicaneries of the late Anderson out of our minds. Let us consider so much the reading of the appalling minutes. Let us not lay any blame upon Dr. Hare for the lamentable intrigues and deviltries of his predecessor. He deserves, in brief, a clean slate and a fair start, and if he shows a reasonable virtue we of the moral element will be delighted to meet him half way.
Continuation of the problems respectfully submitted to the Hon. MM. D. Bachrach and Charles J. Ogle, serpents of the Single Tax:
3. Between the years 1900 and 1905 a gentleman of my acquaintance bought a number of first editions at an expense of $52.65. Since that time the market price of all of them has gone soarinn and they are now worth $720.10. My friend has thus achieved an unearned increment of $667.45, on which, under our present tax system, he pays taxes of about $14 a year. That increment has come to him, not through personal merit or sagacity, for he is really an incredibly stupid buyer, but through the fortuitous fact that the supply of these first editions has remained definite, and limited in the face of a growing demand–i. e., in the face of an increase in the number of persons desiring them. Under the Single Tax my friend would get the whole profit out of this growth in demamd and would not even pay taxes upon it. Who would be the goat?
The estimable Democratic Telegram of this week resumes its former custom of printing hand-painted oil paintings of Maryland statesmen on its front page. The gentleman currently honored is the Hon. W. T. Childs, than which there is none more so. In its leading editorials the Telegram announces that “the progressive Democracy is rampart at Annapolis.” Whether this “rampart” is to be taken literally, or as a misprint for “rampant,” it is still representative of an indubitable fact. And on that fact we backward-lookers hang our hopes, like harps upon the willow.—Adv.
Boil your drinking water! Vote for the mothers’ pension bill! Join the Boy Snouts!–Adv.
Meanwhile, the Hon. Dan Laden is quietly selling dog licenses, sawing wood, and supporting all of the policies of Dr. Woodrow Wilson.
For Mayor of Baltimore in 1915: Col. the Hon. Jacobus Hook, K. T., the greatest tax collector in human history.