Baltimore Evening Sun (31 October 1913): 8.

The Hon. William Jennings Bryan is a traitor to local option because he speaks for the Hon. Blair Lee, but what says Anderson of the

Hon. Isaac Lobe Straus

that last and most affecting of converts? What is Isaac, who presides at Lee meetings and cracks the firmament of Hevaen with his whoops?

A DAILY THOUGHT. There is tonic in the things that men do not love to hear.–Henry Ward Beecher.

After a stormy existence of six days, the Civil Liberty League has apparently blown up. The latest of its series of attacks upon the Hon. William Jennings Bryan, published on the first page of the Sunpaper today, is frankly signed by the Hon. William H. Anderson.

Who shall decide when the Ehrlichs and Turners of morals disagree? On the one hand, I am denounced in the Democratic Telegram as a coffee souse and all my sins are laid to the swart Brazilian booze, and on the other hand the Baltimore Southern Methodist prints an editorial rejoicing over my “conversion” (I quote literally) to the caffeine habit. You will find that editorial on page 3 of the current issue, dated October 30. A sample strophe:

We can assure our friend that we believe the small quantity of caffeine that his system absorbs from two or three cups of coffee a day will not hurt a constitution like his. We hope to hear of his continuing to drink coffee.

And then the editor, the Rev. Dr. C. D. Harris, goes on to defend his frequent boosts of Coca-Cola, a beverage containing caffeine. I quote again:

[The Hon. Mr.] Mencken * * * reads the Southern Methodist so closely that even the fineprint, reading advertisements of the Coca-Cola Company, explaining the nature of caffeine and the quantity used in their product, does [do?] not escape his notice. We forgive him for referring to these as editorials. * * *

I stand aghast before this shameless confession. Can it be that the Rev. Dr. Harris has never heard of the Postal Act of August 24, 1912? Can it be that he is unaware that the publication of “reading advertisements,” without the word “advertisement” plainly added, is specifically forbidden by that act, and that the editor who violates the prohibition forfeits his second-class mail privilege, and may be sent to the Federal prison at Atlanta for 10 years?

In the primary the Hon. “Cy” Cummings had the suffragettes against him and won with ease. Now the suffragettes are flirting with him–and we shall see what we shall see.

There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yes, half a dozen things which I know not: The way of an eagle in the air, the way of a serpent upon a rock, the way of a ship in the midst of the sea and the way of the Hon. Charles J. Bonaparte, Ph. D., when he is caught with the goods.

What has become, by the way, of the theatre censors? Two or three years ago they were at it day and night, and there was constant entertainment for us vulgarians. Even last year, as will be recalled, they took a hack at Mlle. Gaby Deslys, and so broke the monotony of esitence. But this year, at least so far, they have done nothing. I have been to the theatre at least half a dozen times, and yet I have seen no squads of snouting cops. The Pentz Society has not even bawled a billboard. (Dost remember, beloved, its famous attack upon the kicking ballet girl in front of the Empire Theatre, now the Palace, and the bold defiance of the satanic manager and his ultimate and scandalous victory?)

Certainly, the moral Police Board is not very enthusiastically on the job. I have seen some high kicking this year, and more than one chorus girl in a slit skirt. What is more, I have heard one or two highly rochefortian wheezes. Waht is still more, a local theatre lately offered a play called “The Strange Woman.” I didn’t see that play and haven’t the slightest notion what it was about, but the title was plainly full of painful suggestions to the moral mind. Why didn’t the Police Board make the management change it to “The Lady of Questionable Repute” or “The Wronged Working Girl”? A chance missed! Many such chances are being missed.

But perhaps the Board is not to blame. I note in the Sunpaper that it is short of cops and will ask the Legislature for 200 more. The trouble with the people of Baltimore is that they insist upon being protected against burglars and highwaymen, and so the cops are taken away from their proper business of guarding the public morals. The other night I took a walk in Wyman Oark and found it utterly unscavenged morally. On every bench there was a courting couple, and yet not a light burned brightly and not a policewoman was in sight. It is useless to ask the Hon. Robert J. McCuen for searchlights; he is a bachelor, and hence romantic, and a friend to all courting couples. The responsibility for the hand-holding there going on rests upon the Police Board. If it hasn’t cops enough to clean out that grove of sin, let it call upon the Pentz Society for volunteers. Arm the archangels with pocket flashlights and let them do their grim duty. Baltimore will never be a chemically pure city until courting is a felony, and the young fellow who kisses his girl is shot at sunrise.

The Hon. William H. Anderson announces that the following candidates for the Legislature have declared for virtue–i. e., have promised to cavort as he pipes, and to jump through his moral hoops:

Second Distrct. The Hon. Albert F. Estwood, Republican, Ward 7. The Hon. William H. Burns, Republican, Ward 13. The Hon. Frederick J. Singley, Republican, Ward 15. The Hon. Henry Shirk, Republican, Ward 12.

Third District. The Hon. Allen W. Beam, Republican, Ward 16.

If you admire legislators who eat out of the Hon. Mr. Anderson’s hand, then vote for these inspiring heroes. The remaining 43 candidates refuse to do so.

Watch the Hon. Dashing Harry gobble the Christmas tree celebration! Vote for the Hon. George Arnold Frick, LL. B.! Boil your drinking water!

Warning to the Hon. William H. Anderson: Beware of traitors! The Hon. Blair Lee was not the last, nor even the worst. The betting odds in the kaifs have now jumped to 2 to 1–and the Hon. Ed. Hirsch is gobbling all the “dry” money he can find.

Vote for the Hon. Steve Little, candidate for re-election as Clerk of the Superior Court! An efficient clerk and a genial gentleman, matronly in figure and with an honest laugh.—Adv.