Baltimore Evening Sun (16 September 1913): 6.
Private communication from an eminent member of the Baltimore Bar:
The law be d------d! Print your hay-fever cure, and I will see that you don’t suffer. I will carry your case to the Supreme Court of the United States, entirely without cost to you, and if you have to go to jail in the end, I’ll see that you get $100 a day while you are there. Hay-fever is driving me crazy. What is your cure for it?
A frank appeal from a worthy man, and one deserving an immediate response. I therefore turn my back upon Article 43, Section 101, of the Public General Laws of Maryland, upon the jealous pathologists of the Medical and Chirurgical Faculty, and announce publicly that my sure cure is—
Cut a piece of ice as large as two fingers and apply it to the upper part of the nose, first on one side and then on the other. Hold it in place until the sensation of cold becomes distinctly disagreeable. Then apply it to the frontal bone, above the nose and eyes, in the same manner. Then close one nostril, hold the ice beneath the other, and draw long breaths. The same with the other nostril. Then take some ice-water in your hollowed hand and snuffle it.
Do all this after your first sneezing fit in the morning. Repeat the process at 10 o’clock and again at 2 and 6. Do it once more in the evening. Don’t do it oftener and don’t hold the ice to your nose more than a minute at a time, or snuffle more than an ordinary saucer of ice-water. Apply the naked ice, holding it in a napkin, and be sure that it is fresh. Don’t take any medicines. Don’t use any nasal irrigants. Don’t anoint yourself with unguents. Don’t touch your eyes. Don’t swear.
I got this remedy from Geheimrat Prof. Dr. Niesemeister, professor of morbid anatomy at Munich. In my private nonunion clinic I have applied it in 328 cases, with the following results:
|Sneezing stopped and eyes relieved||192|
|Sneezing reduced to less than 4 bouts a day||48|
|Some relief, but rather slight||18|
|No relief at all||6|
A sure cure? Well, perhaps not quite. But it reduces sneezing enormously, it clears the head and it relieves the general malaise. Don’t expect it to achieve a miracle in five minutes. But in 24 hours it will produce effects. The sharpest teeth of hay fever—the razor-edged incisors, the crushing molars—will be pulled. The patient will begin to take an interest in life again. He will find that he can distinguish between an ace and a two-spot, that he can see, smell and taste, that he can go to church without breaking up the sermon. He will be able to sleep at night, at least for six or seven hours. He will get back his eyesight, his zest for work, his beauty and his religion. And if he has any gratitude in him he will send me a couple of good 5-cent cigars.
In the current American Issue, which went to press before the result of last Monday’s plebiscite was known, the Hon. William H. Anderson has an article headed “Why the Anti-Saloon League Supported the Progressive Democrats”—i. e., in Baltimore city. But what we backward-lookers would like to know is why the “moral element” didn’t support the Anti-Saloon League.
The appearance of a large wood-cut of the Hon. Dashing Harry in the current issue of the Municipal Journal calls attention to the fact that the hon. gnet. Has been strangely modest in his use of this obvious means of obtaining a benign and caressing publicity. Since its establishment, on January 17 not fewer than 19 issues of the Municipal Journal have appeared, and yet the Hon. Mr. Harry’s portrait has been printed but three times. During the same period the assiduous Hot Towel has printed it 39 times, the Evening News 14 times and the rascally Sunpaper 9 times. Various other municipal officials have got as much attention from the Journal, at least in the matter of pictorial advertisement. One of them, the Hon. McCay McCoy, has actually got more—to wit, four appearances. But here is the complete list as compiled by my staff bibliographer:
- The Hon. McCay McCoy, C. E., 4.
- The Hon. D. Harry, LL. B., 3.
- The Hon. James F. Thrift, 3.
- The Hon. John Hubert, 3.
- The Hon. Nathan R. Gorter, M. D., 3.
- Gen. William A. Larkins, 3.
- The Hon. Oscar F. Lackey, C. E., 2.
- The Hon. R. Keith Compton, C. E., 2.
- The Hon. Charlie Whiteford, LL. B., 2.
- The Hon. Robert J. McCuen, 2.
- The Hon. Ezra B. Whitman, C. E., 2.
- The Hon. Dan Loden, 2.
- Col. Jacobus von Hook, K. T., 2.
- Major Joseph W. Shirley, C. E., 2.
- The Hon. Sunday-School Field, LL. D., 2.
- The Hon. Calvert Bank Gwinn, 2.
- The Hon. Clarence E. Stubbs, 2.
- The Hon. Bob Lee, LL. B., 1.
- Prof. Dr. A. Barneyeld Bibbins, K. T., 1.
- The Hon. Calvin W. Hendrick, C. E., 1.
- The Hon. William S. Manning, 1.
- The Hon. Eugene E. Grannan, J. P., 1.
- The Hon. Raleigh C. Thomas, C. E., 1.
- The Hon. Oscar Leser, J., 1.
- The Hon. W. O. Atwood, C. E., 1.
- The Hon. Richard H. Johns, 1.
- The Hon. Wilbur F. Coyle, 1.
- The Hon. Aristides Sophocles Goldsborough, LL. B., 1.
- Prof. Horace E. Flack, Ph. D., 1.
- The Hon. George T. Ames, 1.
- The Hon. Isaac Frank, 1.
- The Hon. W. T. Childs, 1.
- The Hon. Thomas McCosker, 1.
The higher authorities having refused to make any nominations or suggestions, I hereby appoint the Hon. Max Ways to edit the Free Lance during my brief absence, and give him the aid of the following corps of experts:
- The Hon. William H. Anderson, LL. B., Direct and Alternating Logic, and the Rules of Evidence.
- The Hon. Sweet Williams, D. C. S., Anatomy and Physiology.
- The Very Rev. Kenneth G. Murray, D. D., Statistics.
- The Hon. Charles Levister, D. C., Old Testament Exegesis.
- Col. Jacobus von Hook, LL. D. (Munich), Court Etiquette.
- The Hon. Aristides Sophocles Goldsborough, LL. B., English Prose.
- The Hon. Sunday-school Field, LL. D., Vital Statistics.
- The Hon. Donald G. Hooker, M. D., Mathematics and Divination.
- The Very Rev. Archdeacon Wegg, S. T. D., Horse Breeding and the Canon Law.
- The Right Hon. Isaac Lobe Straus, LL. D., Solarophobia and Allied States.
- The Right Hon. Charles J. Bonaparte, LL. D., Morals.
Not to be outdone in bluffing, I hereby challenge the loser of the Anderson-Wilkinson debate.—Liquor Adv.
Boil your drinking water! Join the “moral element”! Watch Bob come back!