Baltimore Evening Sun (1 September 1913): 6.


All that remains, to put Baltimore in the pocket of the Hon. Joseph J. Ettor, is for the intellectual giants of the Police Board to begin censoring his speeches.

In the current Suffrage News the Hon. Donald R. Hooker, M. D., that gifted thinker, performs a marvelous, and even miraculous, cadenza upon the great contra-bass syllogism in A flat. You will find it on page 174, under the significant caption of “Why Should Anyone Go Insane?” I make two quotations, to wit:

  1. Under the causes of insanity, the bulletin [of the State Charities Aid Association of New York] specifically mentions two predisposing factors, namely, one of the diseases resulting from immoral living and alcohol. In the first class men contribute 17 per cent. and women 8 per cent. of the cases, and in the second class men contribute 30 per cent. and women 10 per cent. of the cases.
  2. The predisposing factors to insanity here considered, covering 65 per cent. of all cases, repesent primarily the weaknesses of men.

Observe the moral mathematic, the Hookerian calculus! Forty-seven per cent. of men and 18 per cent of women make 65 per cent. of the two together! In other words, if you borrow $100 at 5 per cent and $100 at 6 per cent., you must pay 11 per cent. on the $200! Such is the transcendental logic! Such is the pious and powerful ratiocination of thtalented Hooker, chief statistician to the sex hygienists and frontal lobe of the vice crusade!

I know, and am persuaded by the Lord Jesus, that there is nothing unclean of itself: but to him that esteemeth anything to be unclean, to him it is unclean.—Paul of Tarsus.

Texts respectfully commended to the Hon. William H. Anderson, tempter of the clergy, and to the holy men (now so strangely silent) who succumbed to his enchantments:

When the train pulls out for Columbus, the Society for the Suppression of Vice will have snouters at the station to take the names of the holy men who fell for it.

From the Hon. John L. Sanford’s eloquent and oleaginous advertisement in Saturday’s Towel:

Found at last: a m

The Suffrage News would be in an awful hole if Judge Ben B. Lindsey should break down and confess!—Liquor Ring Adv.

Pearls of sagacity from the Hon. William J. Bryan’s address to the Belair Chautauqua Saturday night:

At which point the Hon. Aristides Sophocles Goldsborough yelled “Enough!” and rolled out of the ring, and Archdeaeon Wegg, beaten before his friends, threw up the sponge and fainted.

Today being September Morn, the Hon. Eugene Levering his locked himself in the great vault at his banking house and will not emerge until the police bring him word that all of them have been fitted with barrels.

Col. Jacobus Hook will return home just in time to make the nomination of the Hon. Goose Grease Altfeld unanimous.—Political Adv.

Tipton (Ga.) dispatch in the estimable Atlanta Constitution of August 20:

Henry Wade, the negro driver of the city water wagon, has been arrested by Chief of Police Thrasher for using the sprinkling cart as a blind tiger.

Ah, the joys of life under prohibition! Ah, the uplift! Further news from a Baltimorean traveling in that plupious region:

The liquor business is now fully organized in all parts of Georgia. The standard price for a dozen bottles of beer is now 90 cents–60 cents for the beer and 30 cents for the risk.

Give us local option, by all means! There are 100 sprinkling cars in a Baltimore flotilla. Let us desert the kaif and mount the water-wagon!

Don’t be afraid of woman suffrage, gents! The suffrageettes will waste their voices on Bull Moosers and Cagliostros. The sensible women will outvote them 50 to 1.

What is a dollar? Not much. Not enough to make you as eminent as the Hon. Young Cochran. Not enough to buy you a seat in the Senate of the Anti-Saloon League. Not enough to set you up in a kaif. But enough to give you the Maryland Suffrage News for one year—12 long months of refined entertainment—52 weeks of stimulating dalliance in the pleasant fields of politics, moral endeavor and physiology.—Adv.

Boil your drink water! Subscribe to the Suffrage News! Watch Bob come back! Swat the fly!

So goes space—and no room remains to consider the Hon. Charles J. Bonaparte’s astonishing inept and nonsensical proclamation of his virtue, printed on this page Saturday. Anon, anon!