Baltimore Evening Sun (21 August 1913): 6.
Vote of the First ward on the Hon. Dashing Harry’s three loans at last fall’s election:
But the hon. gent. hopes to do even better with the Hon. Goose Grease Altfelt.
A DAILY THOUGHT.
I beseech you in the tender mercies of the Lord, believe it possible that you may be wrong.–Oliver Cromwell.
Impending labors of the Hon. Hercules Anderson:
- The defeat of the Hon. Blair Lee.
- The election of the Hon. Isaac Lobe Straus.
Read the Maryland Suffrage News! Somebody skinned alive in every issue! A shambles for five cents.—Adv.
The very instant the Hon. Goose Grease Altfeld reaches Annapolis, he will introduce a bill appropriating $50,000 for a graphite statue to the Hon. D. Harry.
An advertisement of “duplex” collection of envelopes attracts the roving eye in the estimable Sunday-School Outlook of Westminster, Md. Respectfully referred to the Rev. Dr. W. W. Davis, wiskinski of the Lord’s Day Alliance.
Read the Maryland Suffrage News! Dr. Donald R. Hooker contributes to every issue! No other paper prints the moral rhapsodies of this gifted thinker!—Adv.
Polite note from Prof. Alexander Geddes:
Dear Hen–Today in The Evening Sun was a Beautiful Poem which I tendered to you. Perhaps there may seem some oil, grease, salve and honey mingled in the sentiment. But believe me, I do consider you a very bright fellow.
Thanks, Ellick, old top! I am up to my hips in cocoa butter; my eyes are full of glycerine; I feel like the Hon. D. Harry in the good old days, before the Hon. Goose Grease Altfeld was seduced from his art by political ambition. Thanks for that just and honest tribute to merit, that noble recognition of lowly worth, that masterpiece of unguentary! We yodlers must stand together!
Read the Maryland Suffrage News! Get the latest news of the vice crusade! Bright, bracing, racy!—Adv.
The Rev. Dr. E. L. Gregory, an eminent anti-saloon worker and sacerdotal wirepuller of Central Michigan, has been jailed for assault upon a little girl. One less shining face at the great Columbus campmeeting!—Liquor Ring Adv.
From a cablegram describing recent nominations to the French Legion of Honor:
Special honors were granted in connection with the twenty-fifth anniversary of he Pasteur Institute. Dr. Pierre Roux, director of the institute, is promoted to the rank of grand officer, and Prof. Metchnikoff and Prof. Yerain to the rank of commander.
Respectfully referred, for investigation and comment, to the fake moralists of the Maryland Anti-Vivisection Society. Incidently, they have yet to bring in their report on the award of the Nobel prize to Dr. Carrel, that wholesale assassin of dachshunds.
A few weeks ago, when I reprinted a mass of headlines, news articles and editorials from Maine newspapers, showing how the so-called prohibition law is being violated in that State, despite a melodramatic enforcement campaign, the Hon. William H. Anderson tried to dispose of the facts by attacking the newspapers. I thereupon employed a private detective to go to Maine and look into the situation at first hand, and he has been there for 10 days. His orders are to seek out the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, at whatever cost to my case and exchequer. The first installment of his report will be printed in this place tomorrow.
Read the Maryland Suffrage News! A trifle loud, perhaps, but a darn good show! Editorials in both English and American!–Adv.
What has become of the case against the poor and ignorant Italian woman who was tempted to sell a bottle of wine to a policewoman–tempted with a heart-breaking story about a sick husband? Answer: It has been thrown out by the grand jury and nothing more will be heard of it. A little victory for sense and common decency in a day of overwhelming triumphs for the uplift. The grand jury has set its face against the manufacture of lawbreakers for pious purposes. It is not in favor of snouting by policewomen. Let us also hope that it will also set its face against the hounding of women who are trying to reform, and that it will express the same opinion, incidentally, as to the official propriety of a Police Commissioner going into court to knock out the testimony of a policeman, his subordinate.
From a circular issued by the Woman’s Protective League of Denver:
The ravishing of young girls has indeed become a joke in Denver.
Women have had the vote in Colorado since 1893–20 years. According to the Maryland Suffrage News, they have converted it into a modern Garden of Eden, with laws so perfect that the very archangels must weep in admiration of them. Gifted with the recall, they have waged a relentless war upon officials friendly to the “liquor interests” and have filled all the public offices with Ben B. Lindseys. But how is it that they have overlooked the young of their own species? How is it that they have slain the “ringsters” but forgotten the girls?
Further contributions to a dictionary of malignant morality:
- Snouterotomy: Government by surgical interference.
- Snouter: One cursed with the thought that few are as good as he is; a spiritual Nimrod; a moral bichloride tablet.
- Snoutophony: The cacophony of snouters; an infernal sniffing and cackling.
Boil your drinking water! Chase la femme with cops and hound-dogs! Flee from “September Morn”!
Watch the Orioles grab the pennant in the Malaria League!
If the Hon. Blair Lee carries Govanstown, the Rev. F. R. Bayley will retire from politics and go back to preaching.–Adv.
Advice to the Hon. Charles M. Levister: Put the Bible back on the shelf and look for your texts in the Koran.