Baltimore Evening Sun (20 August 1913): 6.
College yell of the Hon. Charles J. Bonaparte and his Boy Scouts:
Here’s to us! Who’s like us? D----d few!
Hearty answer of the common people, sforzando:
Thank the Lord!
The science of invention keeps pace with malignant morality. The year which saw the organization of the Lord’s Day Alliance also saw the general introduction of the telephone, and so the status quo, as the diplomats say, has been maintained. The sneak of the snouter is swift, indeed, but the warning jingle of the bell is swifter still. And so elsewhere, in a score of far-flung fields. The moment the theatre, that place of sin, began to wabble beneath archangelic attack some agent of the Devil invented the moving-picture parlor. Scarcely had the hoochie-coochie yielded to an ardent constabulary before voluptuaries devised the “tango.” Exit “Sapho” and “Madame Bovary”; enter the report of the Chicago Vice Commission. The vice crusade roars and rages; the automobile gives it the laugh.
History repeats itself in the domain of alcholic athletics, of spirituous endeavor. The Hon. William H. Anderson and his lodge-brothers have backed the Rum Demon into a corner, and are preparing to disembowel him with pop bottles. But the old fellow is still sound enough to snicker, still strong enough to wink his starboard eye. He knows that human ingenuity is on his side. He has heard of the blind pig, the speak-easy, the Maine “hide,” the hollow works of Bulwer Lytton, the hip boot with double hulls; of Peruna, near-beer, peppermint extract and Duffy’s Malt Whisky. Above all, he has heard of Ambrew and Zanol, those latest and greatest inventions of secre bibbery, the one a concentrated essence of the great Bavarian brew, the other a sublimated extract of all the harder liquors.
Ambrew is made by the Ambrew Company, of Cincinnati, Ohio, and is guaranteed under the Pure Food law, Serial No. 22115-A. It is a compound of malt and hops reduced to the lowest common denominator, and comes in small cans at $1 a can. A single can is sufficient to make 20 quarts of beer, which amount, in the ordinary bottles, now costs $2 by the case, or $4 over the bar. This in Baltimore, and otehr wet places. In the dry towns the extra expenses of merchanting–for “hides,” bribes, insurance, etc.–bring the price up to at least $5. Thus the local optionist who buys a can of Ambrew gets his daily ration of suds at a discount of 80 per cent., and may drink five times as much as his less progressive brother at the same cost.
Ambrew is shipped to the consumer, all charges prepaid, in plain packages, and the village postmaster, snouting through the mail, cannot distinguish it from canned mushrooms or baking powder. The Ambrew Company offers a guarantee the the manufacture of beer from the extract is perfectly allowable under the law, and that no constable, revenue agent, policewoman, sleuth, hawkshaw or other cathpoll can make a lawful raid upon the home brewery. No license is required and there is no tax to pay. The amateur may brew 10 kegs a day, and still laugh at justice. Even the Webb law, that Long Tom of the uplift, cannot touch him. He can set up his caldron in his front yard, and kill the assembled rustics with envy. He is the coddled pet of jurisprudence.
Zanol is yet more remarkable than Ambrew. It is made by the Universal Import Company, also of Cincinnati, and enough of it to make six full quarts of red-eye may be had for $1, postage paid. This Zanol has the further merit of being an extremely protean elixir; one may get nearly 100 varieties of it, and each variety makes a different liquor. Thus a single package of six small cans is all one needs to make a quart of Maryland rye whisky, a quart of apricot brandy, a quart of Buchu gin, a quart of Angostura bitters and a quart of old Scotch. As the circulars say:
You require no distilling or brewing apparatus. You simply pour the contnets of the bottle * * * into a decanter in accordance with the printed instructions on each bottle, and in this easy, simple way you have prepared for your own homes and family use a full quart of clear, wholesome liquor.
Like Ambrew, Zanol baffles the moral raider. As the company says, “the making of liquors at home is legal and legitimate in every State, county and city. No Government or State license is required, nor do any prohibition laws affect you.” Naturally enough, this is joyous news in Maine, Georgia, Kansas and Oklahoma, and so it is not surprising to hear that the company has many satisfied customers in those States. It prints, in fact, a large batch of testimonials from them. For example, the following from the Hon. E---- E---- B----, of Georgia:
Integrity compels me to say that your Zanol extracts make the best and cheapest liquor that I ever drank. I inclose you an order for one of my friends, who says it is fine. He has been ordering from Jacksonville, and has been getting swindled.
And this from the Hon. R---- S----, of Oklahoma:
I gave your Zanol a test, as directed on the bottle, and am well pleased with the result. Please forward another package at once.
The Ambrew Company also issues a testimonial sheet, and it shows many delighted clients in the dry States. Here, for example, is the commendation of the Hon. J. R. Martin, of Kansas:
I am more than pleased with your Ambrew, and I divided my package with [the Hon.] Bert Bergman, and he was also very much pleased with it, so we got together and sent you quite a large order, which was received a few days ago, and now have 20 gallons and think it is fine.
And this from the Hon. John Shappat, a venerable citizen of the dry belt in Ohio:
I drink beer as a medicine and not as a beverage. I was very sick, pain in stomach, indigestion and headache, but as soon as I took your Ambrew beer I got better and am well again. I am 84 years old, and good beer is much better than pills or patent medicines. I can recommend your beer to everybody. I recommend it wherever I go, and wish to thank you for your efforts in the cause of good health.
Let the Hon. William H. Anderson stop, look and listen. How is he going to keen Zanol and Ambrew from the thirsty fellows of the Esatern Shore? Has he a constitutional amendment to that end and effect? If not, what are his plans for meeting and beating this latest prodigy of bibulous invention?
Send a dollar to 817 North Charles street and get the Maryland Suffrage News for a year. It is the maddest, merriest weekly of them all. If you are not satisfied, I’ll make good your dollar from my private corruption fund.–Adv.