Baltimore Evening Sun (19 May 1913): 6.

THE FREE LANCE

Circulation of The Evening Sun on the day Dashing Harry invaded the City Hall:

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34,001.

Circulation of The Evening Sun on his first anniversary:

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38,700

Circulation of The Evening Sun on his second anniversary:

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44,840

News note from the etimable Sunpaper:

A Municipal Day was suggested at the City Hall yesterday. * * * The plan is to have a general parade of all the departments. * * *

Proposed order of march for the said parade:

  1. Platoon of mounted police.
  2. The Park Band.
  3. The Hon. the super-Mahon in a gilded landau drawn by reporters for the Hot Towel.
  4. The Hon. Paving Bob upon an asphalt roller drawn by the Alumni Association of the Padgett College for City Paving Inspectors.
  5. The Job Hounds in cages.
  6. The synod of old-fashioned Sunday-school superintendents, in white chemises and zinc haloes.
  7. The Hon. Alonzo Miles upon a white charger, followed by a herd of ward heelers distributing Preston buttons, in command of the Hon. Trauty Trautfelter, master of the claque.
  8. The Hon. Jacobus Hook, K. T., astride a cigar-shaped submarine boat.
  9. The Druid Hill Avenue Preston Club, with band.
  10. A herd of Prominent Baltimoreans driven by wiskinskis for the Domesday Book.
  11. The old-fashioned School Board in cages.
  12. Artillery Division. Two batteries of blubber-guns from the battlements of the Hot Towel. A pair of goose grease mortars.
  13. Stockholders of the Calvert Bank, singing hymns of praise and thanksgiving.
  14. Battalion of the Hon. Dan Loden’s uncles, in command of Dan.
  15. A float showing Dr. John T. M. Finney being burned at the stake, with the Hon. Fred Wright and Dr. D. H. Steffens waiting their turns.
  16. Employes of the Water Department, all fully insured.
  17. The embalmed corpse of the Hon. William H. Anderson.
  18. Posse of Vice Crusaders armed with clubs.
  19. Brigade of beautiful suffragettes, making eyes at the crowd.
  20. Brigade of fat antis.
  21. Stuffers, in steel cages.
  22. Advertising float of the Hot Towel, surmounted by effigies of Dr. Munyon and Joe Goellor.
  23. Company of Knights Tickler in full uniform, commanded by the Hon. Bob Lee.
  24. A dray laden with barrels of goose grease, cocoa butter, vaseline, graphite, olive oil, oleomargarine, mayonnaise, lard, suet, tallow and sauce tartare.
  25. A hay wagon full of feathers.
  26. The Hon. McCay McCoy.
  27. The Hon Calvin Hendrick.
  28. Comic float showing the Hon. Dashing Harry ordering Paving Bob out of the City Hall.
  29. The Hon. Aristides Sophocles Goldsborough, mounted upon a black stallion.
  30. The Mayor’s Advisory Cabinet of Honarary Pallbearers, in plug hats, violet spats, frock coats and black gloves.
  31. Comic float showing Dashing Harry’s unanimous nomination for the Vice-Presidency.
  32. The Hon. Sonny Mahon in a chariot drawn by 20 jobholders abreast.
  33. Delegation from the Concord Club.
  34. The Hon. Frank Kelly.
  35. Brigade of White Wings, distributing Harry petitions.
  36. The goat of the Sunpaper upon a red-hot charger.
  37. Geheimrat Prof. Dr. John Turner, Jr., author of bovotherapy and chief medical adviser to the Old-Fashioned Administration.
  38. Rabble of jobseekers, Prominent Baltimoreans, wardheelers, school janitors, Sunday-school superintendents, old-fashioned schoolmarms, spellbinders, Hot Towel reporters, licensers, tallow refiners, weepers and darky boys.

From a half-page religious advertisement in the Sunday News:

Notice is hereby given to all workers of iniquity in high places, be they Sunday-school superintendents. * * *

What! Can it be that Sunday-school superintendents are ever “workers of iniquity?” Perish the profane and licentious thought! Away with such blasphemies and contumacies!

According to the learned Sunpaper the plan to saddle a ward worker upon the Polytechnic Institute, at a cost to the city of $1,200 a year and against the vigorous protest of Lieutenant King, is being supported by Commissioners Bibbins and Biggs, the two great moralists of the School Board. Let every good citizen note how these virtuosi of virtue vote on the showdown. Both are intimates and defenders of the Hon. the super-Mahon; let us see how far their admiration for that great reformer will take them.

From a “warning to girls” issued by the Girls’ Friendly Society of Boston, “the aim of which,” according to the Boston Herald, “is protection and prevention of evil”:

Girls should never * * * buy scents or other articles at their door, as such things may contain drugs. Girls should never * * * believe stories that their relatives have suffered from accident or have been taken suddenly ill, as this is a common device to kidnap girls. Girls should never accept an ibvitation to join a Sunday-school or Bible class given them by strangers, even if they are wearing the dress of a sister or nun, or are in clerical dress.

During the season which closed at midnight, May 15, Col. Jacobus Hook attended 317 banquets and made 362 after-dinner speeches. At the banquet of the Old Town Merchants he broke all records by responding to 9 separate and distinct toasts. During the same period Colonel Hook gave away 62,450 cigars.—Adv.

The Hon. William H. Anderson, in the current number of the American Issue:

Mr. Straus, in our judgment, is making more headway at the present time than Mr. Marbury.

True. But isn’t most of his headway in the wrong direction?

From the Newport News Times:

A North Carolina clergyman had a fight at Durham with an anti-prohibitionist and beat him over the head with a bottle of whisky. There is no doubt about it, whisky is a dangerous thing.

And not only dangerous, but also efficacious. Imagine tackling a with a chocolate sundæ—or a coffee bean!