Baltimore Evening Sun (6 May 1913): 6.

The Hon. William H. Anderson in the current number of the American Issue:

Nobody has a good word for drink except chose whose very praise is a curse.

For example, St. Paul (I Timothy, v. 23). For example, Martin Luther. For example, William Shakespeare.

LAUGH, SUCKERS, LAUGH! A farce in one act.

Dramatis Personæ—The Hon. the super-Mahon; a reporter. Scene–ThHouse of Mirth.

The Reporter—Mr. Mayor, it is rumored throughout the City Hall that Mr. McCay has resigned. Is the report correct? The super-Mahon—No, sir. The Reporter—Has Mr. McCay been asked to resign? The super-Mahon—No, sir. The Reporter—Will he be asked to resign? The super-Mahon—No, sir.

The Hon. McCay McCoy in the dutiful old Hot Towel:

I realize the feeling, almost as strong as venom, which is behind the innuendoes and insinuations of which I have been made the target, and I also realize the motives which have prompted them. It is only natural that, with this knowledge, I should and do realize to the full that it would highly delight certain interests in the city if I should resign. * * * I feel that as one who has been repeatedly and bitterly assailed by direct and covert charges, once and for all I should lift my voice in defense of myself.

Another great martyr! Another pathetic victim of damnable slanders and conspiracies! Another lovely political virgin!

This is the same McCay McCoy, by the way, who dismissed the Hon. James A. Paige because Padgett objected to him, and nominated Padgett’s candidate, the Hon. Mr. Houston, to the job of watching Padgett’s work. According to Padgett’s sworn testimony, he “went to see John J. Mahon about Houston.” The Hon. Mr. Mahon being convinced of Houston’s fitness, the plan was laid before the Hon. the super-Mahon, who issued his orders to the Hon. McCay McCoy. Then McCay McCoy dutifully nominated the candidate, and the Paving Commission, assuming his good faith, made the appointment. After Houston was on the payroll, and hard at work inspecting Padgett’s paving, and humanely passing his bad bricks, he was instructed to make application for his job “as a matter of form.”

The news that Houston was favoring Padgett was a great shock to the virtuous McCay McCoy, and caused him to weep and beat his breasts in open Sunday-school. It seemed incredible to so pure a spirit that one appointed by Padgett should be friendly to Padgett. And he is now shocked again by the scoundrelism of those who would make him responsible for Houston. He appeals to the public for sympathy and support. He pledges his word that he acted throughout from the loftiest motives, and according to the 1913 league rules for Sunday-school superintendents. He exposes his wounds to the public gaze, and sheds large globulous tears over his wrongs. An affecting sight. An exquisite martyr. A perfect stall mate for the Hon. the super- Mahon and the chemically pure S. S. Field.

The betting odds in the Eutaw street poker rooms, as supplied by the police:

200 to 1 that Paving Bob comes back before the fall election. 100 to 1 that Back River will be wet next Sunday.

The esteemed Hot Towel, having humanely anointed the wounds of the Hon. the-super-Mahon, now turns its attention to a literary venture. That is to say, it assists in the launching of a sort of blue book of Prominent Baltimoreans, at so much a Prominent Baltimorean. It will be interesting to observe what gentlemen buy space in this book, and in what high, astounding terms they praise themselves.

Associated Press dispatch in the Evening News of yesterday:

Today is swear-off day for 10,000 boys in the [New York] elementary schools. They will hold up their right hands and promise to quit using * * * coffee. * * * The big swear-off is an idea of Dr. C. Ward Crampton, director of physical training. * * * Dr. Crampton said: “Under our simple plan boys’ behavior and standing in studies improve materially and almost immediately. Cutting out * * * coffee makes an instant change in a youngster.”

Respectfully referred to the estimable Levering Brothers, excoriators of the Rum Demon–and coffee millionaires.

Warning to the Old-Fashioned School Board: Have a care, gents! Have a care! The Hon William H. Anderson has a horseshoe in his glove! He is up to some fresh deviltry! I have been up against them all, and I speak by the book. The Hon. Mr. Anderson is as tough as 40 anti- vivisectionists multiplied by 200 suffragettes, plus the Rev. Dr. W. W. Davis, plus the Holy Synod of vice crusaders, plus dear old McMains, plus Archdeacon Wegg, plus Horrible Harold, plus the whole staff of the Hot Towel, plus the Hon. Aristides Sophocles Goldsborough. Believe me, gents, he is a hard boy.

MORAL QUACKERY.

“There ought to be a law against it!” * * * That is the unconscious tribute we pay to the queerest, the most naive and stupid superstition in the world. * * * No amount of experience, apparently, will free the minds of men from the incubus, the hoodoo, of this extraordinary superstition. No matter what the issue! If you want to stop gambling * * * prostitution, saloons, the turkey trot, walking on the grass; whatever it is, there is only one thing to do—pass a law against it. Then everybody will he contented; everybody will believe that the offense will cease at once, or at least as soon as you have gotten a sufficient number of people in jail.—The American Magazine for May.

The estimable Democratic Telegram, in its current issue, prints a large zinc etching of the Hon. Eugene E. Grannan, advocates the repeal of the Fifteenth Amendment, bawls out the Hon. Luke Marbury for poisoning Woodrow against the old-fashioned faithful, argues that the super-Mahon was a brave fellow to can,Paving Bob, denounces the Rev. Anna Shaw, says a kind word for Marshal Farnan and prints a beautiful poem by the Hon. George Steuart (not by the Hon. Jacobus Hook) entitled “Sweet May.” A varied and entertaining number of an always able journal.—Adv.