Baltimore Evening Sun (14 April 1913): 6.

Watch Anderson, gents! He is hatching some new plot! He is up to some fresh deviltry!--Adv.

Probable remark of the Hon. Eugene O’Dunne on reading in The Evening Sun that the Hon. Samuel E. Pentz, the eminent matador of virtue, lately appeared as counsel for various kaifkeepers before the Board of Liquor License Commissioners:

If the whole conclave of hell can so compromise exadverse and diametrical contradictions as to compolitise such a multimonstrous maufrey of heteroclites and quicquidlibets quietly, I trust I may say with all humble reverence they can do more than the Senate of Heaven.

Who is the most moral man in Baltimore? Who is our virtuous Sandow? Who takes the belt, the biscuit and the radium halo? Watch this space for his name! Watch this space for the proofs of his pre-eminence!--Adv.

When it comes to amending the Constitution, nobody couldn’t learn nothing to none of them ex-Sheriffs hardly.--Adv.

Whät hàs béçomè, by thé wäy, öf déàr óld Mòñsigñör Wégg, Bishòp öf Hávrè dé Grâcé iñ pártibüs iñfidéliüm? Timé wâs whèn thé rév. geñt. issúéd á pástôräl léttêr at leàst oñçe ä dáy, ánd á förmál ençyçlicâl at leàst twicè à wèék. Bút no mõre! His histõriç defensé õf thè Hávré de Grace gâmbôliers sééms tö hávè párälyzèd his môrâl fêrvör, èxháustéd his párts ôf spèéch, driéd ûp thè wèlls ôf his éxcóriàtiõn. Lèt ûs âll hôpê thât this hiâtûs iñ his épiscöpäl diligéñcê, whätêvér its çäüse, is öñly témpöràry. In â cömmünity whérèin âll fölk try thêir dârñdést to thiñk àliké, pärticülärly in thê fiéld öf möräls, süch añ óútláw ás Wégg is ás réfrèshiñg âs thê söüñd öf “Tä-rá-râ Bööm-dê-ày!” ât á còñclävê öf Vicê Crüsâdérs.

Do I write thus because I suffer from philômañia, or because I don’t know any better, or because I am full of cáffeiñé? Not at all. I do it merely because The Evening Sun, after three years of hemming and hawing, has at last laid in a set or accents, and I hâsteñ to give them a trial on the tráck.

The Hon. Barratt O’Hara, capo comico of the Illinois vice crusade, on the fruits of last week’s raids upon Chicago kaifs and ratskillers:

It has been decided that the names of those brought in as witnesses will not be given out. One of the women is the divorced wife of a prominent newspaper publisher.

Observe the artfulness of this affecting moralist. First he protests virtuously that he doesn’t want to give away the witnesses and then he describes one of them so carefully that no Illinoisan can miss recognizing her. The “divorced wife of a prominent newspaper publisher” must be known to every reader of the Chicago papers. It is inconceivable that there are two of them. “Prominent newspaper publishers” are rare birds--and few women are crazy enough to divorce such admirable meal tickets.

The Hon. Mr. O’Hara’s thirst to nail victims to his barn door is not new. A few weeks ago, it will be remembered, he was hotly in pursuit of various Chicago merchants. What is more, all other such vice crusaders are moved by the same lofty impulse. They are not so much reformers as hunters. Their main yearning is for some one to pillory, some one to disgrace, some one to knock out. They want to make a scandal. And to that end they are willing to sacrifice everything, including even the reforms of which they discourse so eloquently.

Contrast this malignant morality with the charity preached by Mrs. Maud Ballington Booth at the Lyric last night, and you will see the difference between vice crusaders and genuine reformers. Mrs. Booth engages in no melodramatic, buffoonish raids; she is not in favor of helping the ruined by ruining the foolish; her aim is not to punish but to save; she doesn’t try to all the jails but to empty them. If you didn’t hear her speech last night, you missed one of the most impressive arguments against snouting and woman-hunting ever made in this town. And it was made by one whose honesty and intelligence go without saying and whose success not even the most frenzied crusader will deny.

From a Frederick dispatch in the alert Sunpaper:

The Anti-Saloon League published in local dailies today the names of between 400 and 500 property owners who had signed [indorsed?] applications for liquor licenses. About one-third of the signers are women.

An effective answer to those critics who contend that women, if given the vote, would be constantly led by the nose by moral rabble-rousers. This charge, true enough, gathers some color from the astounding “reforms” advocated by the local suffragettes, but the fact should never be forgotten that a suffragette is not a woman voter. The suffragette cause attracts the extremists of both sexes. It provides an easy avenue to that publicity which all such whoopers and utopians crave. But women as a clue are not inflamed by the ensuing cavortings. Their sharp common sense is an infallible antidote to all moral and sociological perunas.

This is shown constantly in the States wherein they actually have the vote. These States are California, Colorado, Idaho, Utah, Washington and Wyoming. Only two of them, Idaho and Utah, have State-wide local option laws, and in both of them all of the larger cities are wet. When an effort was made to substitute the blind pig for the kaif in Salt Lake City, the women voted against it. They did the same thing in Ogden, and, if I make no mistake, in Denver. They have shown great discrimination in voting upon this issue. They have combated the saloon evil intelligently, and without any yielding to the intemperate bosh of the professional crusaders.

Dr. C. S. Carr, of Cincinatti, in Health for May:

I heard a coffee drinker one time denouncing beer drinking. He called beer drinkers every name he could invent. He made it out that they were too low and vile to be entitled to decent burial. At the same time this man was indulging himself in this intemperate vituperation he was inebriated with coffee. * * * Under the influence of this powerful dope, he could stand for hours and bullyrag those who drank beer. As between the two habits * * * I certainly believe that coffee drinking is the worse.

Respectfully referred to the Hon. Eugene Levering, excoriator of the bibuli--and coffee millionaire.

Michigan, having voted down the suffrage, is still infested by suffragettes. Let Maryland take warning!

Col. Jacobus Hook, K. T., offers a colytic cigar to every voter who will sign the Harry petition. Two cigars to everyone who has not signed more than ten times before.