Baltimore Evening Sun (24 March 1913): 6.
Solemn warning of the Hon. John L. Krider, a moralist heretofore unknown to me:
The Rev. Dr. Carlton D. Harris * * * is able to take care of himself, and no doubt [the Hon.] Mr. Mencken will be sorry he ever tackled him before Mr. Harris gets through with him.
Lay on, Tartuffe, and damned be him who first cries, Hold! Enough!
The Hon. William H. Anderson, in the current number of the American Issue, makes the flat charge that the recent dynamite explosion was caused by the Rum Demon. A diplomatic answer, it would seem, to the Hon. Ed. Hirsch’s dark insinuation that the Hon. Mr. Anderson himself had something to do with it.
Why not a great theatrical benefit for Goucher College? A noble opportunity for the theatres to return service for reviling, a kiss for wallops! For 20 years the college has fought them with singular pertinacity, and the marks of the combat are on both contestants. Two theatres--the Auditorium and the Empire--will be turned into vaudeville houses after this season, and the college itself may be turned into an opera house. Why not a touch of good will after so much strife? Why not a handshake at parting?
These be parlous and sweaty days for moralists. The Hon. John T. Stone, for example, finds himself in favor of both Goucherism and Weylerism. The Hon. Eugene O’Dunne is against both Weylerism and Hookerism. Dr. Donald R. Hooker is against both O’Dunneism and Weylerism. The Hon. John F. Weyler is against both Hookerism and O’Dunnism. The Hon. Harold Scarborough, editor of the Towson Union and News, is against Fredtalbottism but in favor of Therevdrdavisism. The Hon. William H. Anderson is in favor of Fredtalbottism but against the Rum Denion. The Hon. Eugene Levering is against the Rum Demon but in favor of caffeinism. I myself am against caffeineism and the cigarette but in favor of reasonable kindness to the Rum Demon. Dr. Janney is in favor of Perunatsm in morals but against it in medicine. The Rev. Dr. W. W. Davis is against Back and Middle Rivers but silent about caffeineism, vivisection, Darwinism, simony, piracy, tobacco-chewing, filibustering, kidnapping, vaccination and Mendelism. The Hon. Charles J. Bonaparte is in favor of enforcing all laws to the letter and also repealing them as quickly as possible. The Hon. the Archangel Harry is in favor of Padgettism and Calvertbankism but against Sunday novel reading. The Hon. Frank A. Munsey is in favor of Progressivism but against the Progressives. The Rev. Dr. Carlton D. Harris is in favor of both militant morality and sure cures for cancer. The Maryland Suffrage News is in favor of mayhem but against insult. It is also in favor of the Seventh Commandment but against the Second, Sixth, Ninth and Tenth. The Hon. Aristides Sophocles Goldsborough is in favor of goose-grease and the Boy Scouts but against the Sunpaper. The Sunpaper is in favor of Goucherism and progressivism but against Harryism, Padgettism, Andersonism, Calvertbankism, suffragism, Hookertism, Bonapartism, Perunaism, Darwinism, Eddyism, Mormonism, Lodenism, Munseyism, Hottowelism, cannibalism, vegetarianism, spiritualism, tangoism, Mahonism, Socialism, Anarchism, communism, determinism, materialism, militarism, Pan-Germanism, paganism, atheism, agnosticism, Pilsenerism, Wagnerism, hooliganism, nepotism and Swedenborgianism. Dr. Wegg, Bishop of Havre de Grace in partibus infidelium, is in favor of gambling at Havre de Grace but against it at Back River. The Hon. Mark Jackson is in favor of jailing us millionaires but against being jailed himself. The Rev. Dr. Edward Niles is in favor of punishing vice but silent about preventing it.
Betting odds in the Eutaw street poolrooms, as reported by the police:
Even money that Isaac gets at least 2,000 votes in the primary.
The Hon. Barratt O’Hara, the distinguished vice crusader, will be asked to open the Drip Coffee Chautauqua with a lecture on “The Life and Public Services of the Hon. Jack Johnson.”--Moral Adv.
The estimable Democratic Telegram, in its current issue, announces that the Hon. William Luke Marbury is a dead one, bawls out the Sunpaper for lts chronic licentiousness, pronounces a curse upon women’s suffrage, prints an eloquent eulogy and crude Zinc-etching of the Hon. Carroll T. Bond, J., predicts that the Archangel Harry will win his Senatorship hands down, and comes out for the Hon. William Howard Taft for the Hopkins presidency, thus delivering a covert slap at Geheimrat Prof. Dr. John Turner, Jr., author of bovotherapy. A somewhat flaccid number of a usually pointed and penetrating periodical.--Adv.
The reply of the board of directors of the penitentiary to the extravagant and ridiculous attack of Dr. Goldsborough’s so-called investigating committee was published the other day in pamphlet form. My advice to all fair men of this town is that they read it and ponder it. It is a well-considered and intelligent document and lacks entirely the stump-speech fuming and fury of the committee’s report. It was written before the recent ludicrous collapse of the Henry testimony, and in consequence it misses many obvious and telling points against the investigators, but all the same it should carry conviction to any man who reasons with his head and not merely with his larynx and lachrymal duets. It is signed by the Hon. MM. Frank A. Furst, Charles T. Crane, J. H. Kimble, John T. Stone and Richard Dallam. That these men are scoundrels, or even numskulls, it would be difficult, I fancy, for the most ardent moralist to maintain. Copies of the pamphlet may be obtained of any of them.
How Prohibition works in Knoxville, Tenn., as described by a traveling Baltimorean--a gentleman, by the way, with no personal interest in the liquor business whatever:
Knoxville tries its utmost, supported by the constant pleas of certain clergymen, to enrorce prohibition, but beer and hard liquor are still sold openly in more than 100 places. The city, of course, doesn’t get a cent of license money. Beer goes under the name of “swenky.” Business in general is poor here, and the hotel people complain bitterly.
The population of Knoxville is 36,346. Thus there is at least one blind tiger to each 364 of population. If Baltimore were under bogus prohibition and the same ratio were maintained, we would have 1,565 such joints.
The Concord Club has joined the super-Mahon’s League of Maryland Municipalities, and Westport and Havre de Grace are on the waiting list.