Baltimore Evening Sun (20 March 1913): 6.
Historic sayings of the Right Hon. the super-Mahon:
- When the time comes, I will be nominated for the Vice-Presidency unanimously.
- The human head is frail.
- I don’t get much adulation.
From a moral article in a late number of the Baltimore Southern Methodist, kindly sent to me by a pious reader:
We cannot close this editorial without remarking that it is sad that a great newspaper of this city is sponsor for a column that holds up to ridicule and scorn leading men who unstintedly give the best they have for the betterment of the unhappy social conditions which surround us, and that digs at ministers, who are fighting such iniquities, by speaking of jackasses in and out of the pulpit. What would become of the moral interests of a community but for this class of men?
From the same issue of the same chemically pure gazette:
Also from the some issue of the same pious zeitung:
Yet more from the same issue of the same sweet sheet:
The editor of the Baltimore Southern Methodist is the Rev. Dr. Carlton D. Harris. Let me ask Dr. Harris to give his close attention to the advertisement of the Kellam Hospital, reproduced above. Let him note that this institution guarantees that it can cure “over 90 per cent.” of all cancers, without the use of a knife or the X-ray. And having noted this claim, let Dr. Harris go to Dr. Howard A. Kelly and ask him if it is reasonable, if it is justifiable, if it is even honest. If Dr. Kelly says that it is, then I agree to kiss Dr. Harris’ hand. But if Dr. Kelly says that it isn’t, then I call upon Dr. Harris to defend his profitable participation in so cruel and indecent a fraud upon the suffering and hopeless.
Again, what of Hood’s Sarsaparilla? What of Dr. Green’s dropsy cure? What of the Plapao? Will Dr. Harris undertake to get testimonials to the virtue of these things from Dr. Kelly? Or from Dr. Janney? Or from Dr. Donald R. Hooker? Or from any other reputable physician of this town? Will he make a public declaration, on his word of honor, that he believes them efficacious? Going further, will he defend the Merit Blood Tablets, and the offer of two rings, one solid gold, for selling seven boxes of them? Seven boxes, at 25 cents apiece, come to $1.75. Does Dr. Harris think it possible to sell a solid gold ring for $1.75? If so, on what ground?
I shall be glad to hear from Dr. Harris on these points. Meanwhile, let me give him my assurance that I have no apologies to offer for the high crimes he alleges against me. If I have, at times, displayed a lack of reverence for clerical ballyho men and scaramouches, then my defense is that such performers deserve no reverence. They are foes to toleration, to public order, to that reasonable kindliness which should prevail between man and man. The earnest and hard- working clergymen of Baltimore have no complaint to offer: neither I nor anyone else has ever attacked them. Nor has there been any attack upon diligent, public-spirited laymen. But there has been an attack upon press agents and perunists, posturers and impossibilists, both lay and clerical, and that attack will continue so long as such persons cavort in the limelight.
The Hon. William Luke Marbury will go to the Concord Club’s bal masque in the white helmet and carrying the long broom of an Old Fashioned Democrat. The Hon. Isaac Lobe Straus will appear as Carrie Nation.--Adv.
My spies bring me news that the Mon. William H. Anderson’s delay in accepting the Hon. Lloyd Wilkinson’s challenge was not due to any fear of Lloyd, but to a desire to train at the Drip Coffee Chautauqua that is sooo arise in Ann’ Ran’el county. That Chautauqua is being organized by the Hon. Eugene Levering, the Hon. Young Cochran and other insatiable worriers of debauchery, but unluckily enough, it will not be ready in time to give the Hon. Mr. Anderson shelter. So he will have to make shift with the meagre comforts of Kid Levister’s roadhouse, where he did part of his training for his historic bout with Kid Price. Incidentally, it is announced that the Hon. Mr. Anderson will eschew coffee during his training–a piece of news that is causing much eye-winking and furtive snickering among moralists. The hon. gent will be handled by Kid Levister, Young Mills and Young Cochran. Lloyd will be looked after by Dashing Harry, Frank Kelly, Kid Price and the Hon. Jacobus Hook, K. T.
For King of Greece: The Right Hon. the super-Mahon. Battle cry: Lay on, Tartuffe, and damned be him who first cries, Hold! E-nough! Arms: a goose-grease lion, rampant; supports: a blubber-gun argent and a hot towel or. Crest; a volcano spouting tears. Motto: The glory that is grease.
Vote for the suffrage, and get rid of the suffragettes!--Adv.
Local option--and the blind pig! A blue Sunday--and a boozy Saturday night! Dispersion of disorderly houses, and one in every street!