Baltimore Evening Sun (17 March 1913): 6.


The Hon. Robert P. Graham, reichskanzler of Maryland, in the current Suffrage News:

It is surely an outrageous thing to have a member of the upper classes chucked under the chin by a drunken soldier, and really more outrageous when that same soldier spits upon our country’s flag.

A beautiful example of the gradual growth and efflorescence of suffragette “evidence.” First the flag spat upon was the Maryland flag; now it is the Star-Spangled Banner. First the spitting was done by some unidentified ruffian; then there were vague hints that the Hon. William H. Anderson had a hand in it; now the official culprit is a soldier--drunken. of course. By tomorrow or next day, the suffragettes will find a name for him--he will be, let us say, the unspeakable Corporal John Smith, of Company B. A week later he will be given a commission. By April 1, he will be a colonel of infantry. By May day he will be Major-Gen. Leonard Wood, M. D.

Such are the suffragette rules of evidence. Another example from the Suffrage News:

[The Hon.] Al Reeves, a theatrical manager, whose name and picture frequently appear on our hoardings in connection with * * * theatrical entertainments of a low moral and ethical ebb. * * * We are not familiar with the productions which [the Hon.] Mr. Reeves brings out. * * *

In brief, the scheme is (a) to denounce the Hon. Mr. Reeves first, and (b) to admit that there is no evidence against him! The truth is, of course, that such evidence doesn’t exist. The average burlesque show of today--and the Hon. Mr. Reeves’ is decidedly above the average–is perfectly clean and not a little artisstic. If it is degrading to the spectator, then every exhibition of feminine pulchritude is degrading. Certainly, the survivors of the suffrage parade will make no such allegations: they boldly thrust their prettiest girls into the forefront of the fray. What is more, they cannot justly attack the Hon. Mr. Reeves on the ground that his buffoons are no prudes. Are the suffragettes careful of speech themselves? Find the answer for yourself by comparing the Hon. Mr. Graham’s article, quoted above, to the libretto of the loudest burlesque show you ever heard of. I would give examples--but I fear for my job.

Brave buncombe of the Hon. Aristides Sophocles Goldsborough in the super-Mahon’s Municipal Journal:

The Journal is the open enemy of the city’s enemies. The Journal boldly declares war against all the elements that try, by suppression or deception, to injure the city’s good name.

Can this be treaaon to the super-Mahon? What of his attempt to suppress all news of his delicate services to the Calvert Bank–i. e., to his own pocketbook? Is it or is it not a fact that the Evening News had to threaten him with legal process before he would disgorge the figures? Is it or is it not a fact that, as a result of this adventure, he issued his famous order forbidding department heads to give any news to the newspapers until he himself had first edited and embellished it--an order still in full force and effect?

Let good Aristides tell us what he thinks of this classical case of suppression. And if he hasn’t room for it in the Municipal Journal, I hereby offer him all the space he wants in The Evening Sun. What is more, I engage to print his explanation just as he writes it, without changing a comma. Let him lay on the goose-grease to his heart’s content. Let him earn his tip by drowning the August Customer in butter.

Personal note from the entertaining Evening News:

It is now The O’Hook. Jake has joined the Irish.

And not only the Irish, but also the Swedes and Guatemalans, the Greeks and Carthaginians. He Is Signor Giovanni di Ruffa, di Raffa when he sits down to spaghetti; he is Graf von Angelhaken when he goes fishing in the Isar or Weser; he is Montsewer (Em for short) Hamecon in the Latin quarter; he is Senor Gancho throughout Latin America. Jake is a protean artist, a prodigy of versatility, a one-man crowd. He is Hookiopolous to the Greeks, Hooksen to the Norwegians, Hookovitch to the Russians, Hookiewski to the Poles, Hook Effendi to the Turks, Hookez to the Sephardim and Hookheimer to the Ashkenazim. He speaks all civilized languages and eats all known victuals. He is not a mere man, but a whole race of men.

The estimable Democratic Telegram, in its current number, describes the deviltries of the Paris Latin Quarter, clouts Isaac Lobe Straus over the knuckles, offers to bet a case of wine that William Jennings Bryan will not support the Hon. William Luke Marbury, praises Woodrow for warning Mexico, prints a crude woodcut and eulogy of the Hon. James Polk Garter, J., announces that the Calvert Bank will take deposits as small as 25 cents (though not, it would seem, from the city) and boosts the week’s show at the Gayety. A varied and discriminating issue of a gazette that always delights the refined reader.--Adv.

Additional list of things combatted by local virtuosi of virtue since January 1, 1908:

Hofbraeu, Pschorrbraeu, Kindibraeu, Mathaeserbraeu, Spatenbraeu, Augustinerbraeu, Franziskanerbraeu, Loewenbraeu.

The attention of Dr. Goldsborough and of all other persons who are disposed to take seriously the windy vice crusade launched by the Hon. Barratt O’Hare, in Illinois, is respectfully directed to an article entitled “Demoralizing Talk of Morals,” in the current issue of the New York Nation (March 11, p. 248-9). Incidentally, if any moralist in the house desires to maintain that the Nation is a covert defender of prostitutes or that its editors are ignoramuses and scoundrels, I shall be very glad to hear and print his evidence.

Boil your drinking water! Cover your garbage can! Sign the Harry petition! Three cheers for William Jennings Bryan!

Simple experiment for romanticists who believe that prostitution is a purely economic question, that American women have to be paid to keep decent: Go to any scarlet lady in Baltimore and offer her double the usual wages to stand in a department store. If she accepts, let me know. If she refuses, shut up.

The Concord Club still suffers from an insufficiency of chairs, and the consequence is that all of its meetings are buffet affairs. Meanwhile, Col. Jacobus Hook is wearing diamonds worth $10,000 and has taken to smoking 15-cent cigars.—Adv.

Vote for the suffrage, and get rid of the suffragettes!—Adv.