Baltimore Evening Sun (14 March 1913): 6.


The boomers! The boomers! They’ll make us millions yet! And it thou wilt, remember; and if thou wilt, forget!

Far be it from me to raise a voice against the proposal to establish a minimum wage for shop girls. I am for all and sundry humane enactments, however unenforceable, however preposterous. But before it is assumed, by unanimous consent, that the establishment of such a minimum wage would put an end to immorality in this land, or even decrease it in the slightest, let me suggest to all genuine students of the subject that they read pages 263, 264, 265 and 266 of Volume VI of Havelock Ellis’ “Studies in the Psychology of Sex.” I say genuine students and not moralists. To moralists, Ellis is anathema. They revile and excommunicate him without reading him. But despite that handicap, he remains the first of living authorities upon the complex and baffling problem of public vice.

THE PHARISEES. If those who are the enemies of innocent amusement had the direction of the world they would take away the spring and youth, the former from the year, and the latter from the human life.—Honore de Balzac.

Dr. Howard A. Kelly in defense of Dr. Guy L. Hunner:

The great lament is that the average man is easily directed by his quickly aroused sympathies and is fundamentally an illogical creature. Such a complaint, if well founded, is hardly less serious than one of intentional injustice, for it of necessity places a premium upon a class of lawyers who know how to appeal to and play upon the emotions of a jury. Justice miscarries, courts lose their dignity, and they no longer remain the interpreters of the divine will working its way out in human relationships. Ultimately, as in all acts of injustice, the real burden falls upon the public at large. Such a precedent as this may well cost many human lives through the unwillingness of our best surgeons to accept such cases in the future without guarantees of immunity from prosecution, which are impracticable.

A sound defense of Dr. Hunner, whose experience in the courts must be lamented by every lover of fair play. He did his best for a patient who paid him nothing, and his best was very good, indeed. It is outrageous that he should now be mulcted in damages. He emerges from the adventure with the sympathy of all intelligent people, and with his professional reputation and honor unspotted.

But I can’t help thinking how admirably the indignant words of Dr. Kelly apply to moral jehads as well as to judicial processes, to the errors of self-elected archangels as well as to the errors of juries. Let me try a little paraphrase:

The great lament is that the average man is easily influenced and convinced by persons who pretend to a superior virtue and is fundamentally a credulous and illogical creature. Such a complaint, if well founded, is hardly less serious than one of intentional false pretenses, for it of necessity places a premium upon a class of professional rabble-rousers, bogus “authorities” and artful tear-squeezers who know how to appeal to and play upon the confidence and simple faith of the people. Justice becomes a joke, the police are converted into wolves. and the law no longer remains the interpreter of fairness, cool reason and common sense. Ultimately, as in all acts of hysteria, cruelty and impossibilism, the real burden falls upon the public at large. Such a saturnalia of hypocrisy and intoleration may well cost may human lives through the unwillingness of public officials with livings to earn and families to support to stand up against so ferocious a fire of slander, innuendo and sinister intrigue.

Final reply to the Hon. Eagle Eye, the Hon. an American Citizen, and all the rest of the anonymous defenders of the Hon. Francis Scott Key’s bosh:

  1. “The Star-Spangled Banner” is a piece of puerile braggadocio and makes the American people ridiculous.
  2. No competent critic of poetry has ever praised it by name.
  3. True patriotism demands that it be abandoned as a national anthem, and some more dignified composition substituted.
  4. No other civilized nation has a national anthem so windy and bombastic.
  5. No other civilized nation has a national anthem even half so windy and bombastic.
  6. No other civilized nation has a national anthem even one-quarter so windy and bombastic.

The Rev. Dr. W. W. Davis will attend the Concord Club’s bal masque disguised as a Back River oberkellner. I myself plan to appear as Larry the Cigarette Fiend. The Hon. William H. Anderson, attended by 20 boozehounds, will present a tableau entlitled “Eliza Crossing the Cracked Ice.”—Adv.

From a circular entitled “Good Health for School Children,” dtstributed by the Health Department of Washington: .

Alcoholic drinks, even the mildest beers, are decidedly injurious to growing children. * * * Tobacco should not be used by school children. * * * The growing child should not be allowed to drink tea and coffee. * * * They frequently disturb the nervous system. They often interfere with digestion.

Respectfully referred, for investigation and report, to the Hon. Eugene Levering, professional foe to gemuethlichkeit—and coffee millionaire.

Partial list of the things denounced and combated by local fanatics and archangels since January 1, 1908:

Tights, Raffles, The dine novel, Penuchle, Moving pictures, The army canteen, Gaby Deslys, Cannibalism, Kissing games, Tobacco-chewing, The turkey-trot, Cocaine, Picture postcards, Mormonism, Bridge whist, Bare shoulders, Cigarettes, The Wiener waltz, Cocktails, Gum-chewing, Divorce, Rathakellers, Race suicide, Free lunch, “Salomé,” The growler, Lotteries, Surgery, Opium, The sheath skirt, Vaccination, “Alma, wo wohnst du?” Hatpins, Joy riding, Germans, Pilsner, Sarah Bernhardt, The tango, “The Nigger,” Absinthe, Novel reading, Bookmaking, Bucket shops, Rabelais, “Three Weeks,” Flirting, Hugging, Racing, Bachelors, White slaves, Sunday music, The theatre, The Johns Hopkins, Champagne, “Tristan und Isolde,” Vaudeville, Trial marriage, Vivisection, Living pictures, The Evening Sun, Yodling, John F. Weyler, The Federated Charities, The police, Eugene O’Dunne, Creme de menthe, The Decameron, Swearing, Heresy, Segregation, Sonny Mahon, Poker, Side doors, Sunday baseball, Pugilism.

Tract respectfully recommended to the syndics of the Anti-Saloon League:

“The Toxicity of Caffeine: an Experimental Study,” by William Salant, chief of the Pharmacological Laboratory, Division of Drugs, Bureau of Chemistry, Department of Agriculture, and J. B. Rieger, assistant chemist. Washington: 1912.