Baltimore Evening Sun (5 November 1912): 6.

THE FREE LANCE

When you go to work and save up a cent, you might just as well say you have went to work and earned a cent, so to speak.

Once upon a time there was a surgeon who spent seven years perfecting an extraordinarily delicate and laborious operation for the cure of a rare and deadly disease. In the process he wore out $400 worth of knives and saws and used up $6,000 worth of ether, splints, guinea pigs, dachshunds and bichloride of mercury. His board and lodging during the seven years came to $2,875. Finally he got a patient and performed the operation. It took eight hours and cost him $17 more than his fee of $25. * * * One day, two months after the patient was discharged as cured, the surgeon stopped in his rambles to observe a street parade. It was the annual turn-out of Good Hope Lodge, No. 72, of the Patriotic Order of American Rosicrucians. The cured patient, marching as Supreme Worthy Initiate, wore a lavender baldric, a pra-green sash, an aluminum helmet and scarlet gauntlets, and carried an ormulo sword and the blue polka-dot flag of a rear-admiral. * * * With a low cry the surgeon jumped down a sewer and was seen no more.

Vote for Th. Dentatus Africanus, the near-Harry.—Adv.

If Woodrow wins it will be in spite of the Sunpaper, and if Woodrow loses it will be because of the Sunpaper. Let the band play “The Asphalt Glide.”—Political Adv.

And even if Goucher does carry out its threat to leave Baltimore, its buildings will have to remain. Why not an undenominational woman’s college under the wing of Johns Hopkins? The Hopkins now accepts woman students in all its graduate departments. Why shouldn’t it manufacture its own fair B. A.’s?

Pathetic carcasses in the deadhouse of rhetoric:

General death rates in all the American cities of more than 100,000 population, from 1900 to 1909, as reported by the Census Bureau:

1. Seattle, Wash. 9.6 25. St. Louis 16.9
2. Portland, Ore. 10.1 26. Worcester, Mass. 17.1
3. St. Paul 10.4 27. New Haven 17.5
4. Minneapolis 10.5 28. Philadelphia 18.2
5. Omaha 12.3 29. Newark, N. J. 18.3
6. Grand Rapids 13.3 30. New York 18.5
7. Milwaukee 13.5 31. Louisville 18.4
8. Rochester 14.6 32. Providence, R. I. 18.4
9. Chicago 14.7 33. Albany, N. Y. 18.5
10. Toledo 14.7 34. Boston 18.6
11. Cleveland 14.7 35. San Francisco 18.6
12. Detroit 14.9 36. Cincinnati 18.7
13. Syracuse, N. Y. 14.9 37. Jersey City 18.9
14. Oakland, Cal. 15.0 38. Pittsburgh 19.6
15. Kansas City 15.2 39. Lowell, Mass. 19.7
16. Indianapolis 15.3 40. Baltimore 19.9
17. Cambridge, Mass. 15.3 41. Memphis, Tenn. 20.1
18. Columbus, O. 15.3 42. Washington 20.3
19. Dayton, O. 15.5 43. Fall River, Mass. 20.3
20. Buffalo 15.6 44. Atlanta 20.5
21. Los Angeles 15.8 45. Nashville 20.8
22. Bridgeport, Conn. 15.9 46. New Orleans 22.5
23. Scranton, Pa. 16.6 47. Denver 22.6
24. Paterson, N. J. 16.6 48. Richmond 23.2

Baltimore’s rank is thus seen to be fortieth among 48 cities. Two cities of more than 100,000 population do not appear in this table, for the reason that their mortality statistics are not complete for the whole period 1900-1909. They are Birmingham, Ala., and Spokane, Wash. But both undoubtedly rank ahead of Baltimore, for the partial returns from Birmingham show a death rate of 18 and those from Spokane show a rate of about 13. Thus the real rank of Baltimore is forty-second.

Remark of the Hon. J. Charles Linthicum, M. C.:

Our coal piers are second to none, and our business men are the peers of any.

Equal praise, but a subtle touch in the order of the praising.

Meanwhile, it seems a 100-to-1 shot that the oleaginous old Hot Towel is in for a lot of explaining tomorrow morning.—Adv.

Also, don’t forget that Woodrow is of the accursed Finney type.—Adv.

Advice to the judges and clerks of election: Let nature take its course.

The Vice Crusade! The Vied Crusade! Ah, give us Schubert’s “Serenade”!

And as soon as Woodrow gets to the White House, let us all hope that he will begin to see once more the fallacies in the direct primary, the initiative and referendum and all other such political quackeries. He is a very recent and very violent convert, and we all know that converts often go backsliding. A human weakness, and, like most. human weaknesses, benign. Just suppose that all of the bums who have been converted by the Salvation Army were still in the ranks, walloping bass drums and blowing cornets! What a world it would be!

Col. Jacobus Hook is a member of the Unkel Braesig Verein, the Cercle Francaise, the Clan na Gael, the Turnverein Garibaldi, the Bjoernstjerne Bjoernson Pleasure Club, the Knights of St. Stanislaus, the St. Andrews Society and Vav Samekh Chapter of the Aleph Yodh fraternity. But the way them Old Town merchants treated him ain’t right nohow.—Adv.

During the first three months of 1912 there were 293 cases of smallpox in the State of Michigan. Here is a brief history of the patients:

No. of cases When vaccinated.
2—Fifty or sixty years ago.
3—Fourteen years ago.
1—Years ago.
1—-At the time of exposure.
1—Twelve years ago.
1—Infancy and again 10 years ago.
1—About 10 years ago.
1—Some 20 years ago.
1—One week after exposure.
10—About three years ago (some doubt).
1—Some years previous.
2—In childhood.
2—When very young.
1—Thirty years ago.
2—Six years ago.
1—Two years ago.
1—Four years ago.
1—Flve years ago.
5—Doubtful if ever.
245—NEVER VACCINATED.

Respectfully referred to the committee on bogus statistics of the Maryland Anti-Vivisection Society, for editing, improvement and moral comment.

Results of a poll at a Concord Club last night, as reported by my scoundrelly spies:

Roosevelt..........................38
Wilson..........................26
Taft..........................1

Swat your drinking water! Boil the forlorn, archaic fly!

All men may be divided into two classes: Those who like vaudeville and those who can stand it when they are drunk.

Col. Jacobus Hook has been engaged at enormous expense to make the principal speech at the dedication of the new Hansa Haus. He will begin at 2 P. M. and continue until there is a decided change in the weather.—Adv.