Baltimore Evening Sun (16 October 1912): 5.
The roaring and rampaging of the platitudinarians:
- If your name is not on the [registration] books you cannot vote in the * * * election.--The Democratic Telegram.
- The man who fired the shot may have been a plain lunatic * * * If a lunatic, he was a victim of a strong homicidal mania.--The Hon. C. J. Bonaparte.
- Theodore Roosevelt has had a remarkable career.--The Sunpaper.
- If the people do not want the sewer rental system adopted, it is in their power to defeat it.–The Democratic Telegram.
- Any man with a punch is liable to be rough.--Mr. Wegg, the Belair Hegesippus.
- The attempted assassination of former President Roosevelt * * * is most regrettable.--The Hon. the super-Mahon.
- I sincerely hope he will have a speedy recovery.--The Hon. P. L. Goldsborough.
- The American people will not stand for treachery.–Col. Joseph R. Baldwin.
- Chairman Hanna * * * said that the act was one to be regretted by all.
- [The Hon.] John J. Hanson expressed deep regret for the deplorable event.
- Governor Goldsborough * * * said that an attempted assassination was a horrible thing.
- Col. Theodore B. Wilcox was greatly shocked.
- [The Hon.] W. Bladen Lowndes * * * said the shooting was a most unfortunate occurrence.
- Senator Lee said his best wishes were that Colonel Roosevelt would soon be himself again.
- Mayor Preston expressed horror at the event.
- Acting Mayor Hubert said that he felt sorry for Colonel Roosevelt.
- City Collector Hook said that he deplored the shooting.
- June 2--Third anniversary of the suits. Accumulated interest passed $4,000 mark. [Cheers.]
- June 29--Third anniversary of the demand for a bill of particulars. [Huzzahs.]
- July 14--Third anniversary of Attorney General Straus’ answer.
- July 29--Third anniversary of the exceptions to the answer.
- September 30--Third anniversary of the arguments on the exceptions. [Cheering mob storms Courthouse.]
- October 3--Case against William H. Green comes to trial at last, at the age of three years, four months and one day. [Sensation.]
- October 11--State gets a verdict for $15,177.20 against Green. [Laughter.]
- October 12--Announcement made that both sides will appeal. [Cheers.]
- October 14--Green applies for a new trial. [Prolonged merriment.]
- October 16–Other cases postponed until after the Court of Appeals has decided about Green. [Deafening cheers.] >
Platitudes credited to Prominent Baltimoreans by this morning’s Hot Towel:
In addition, the Towel printed the following in the third person:
The Towel itself contributes the following virtuous remark:
He is the best type of courageous and resourceful American.
And yet, no longer ago that last week, he was the prince of liars, the king of traitors, the emperor of sturdy rogues.
News comes from various ferrets that the ferrocaputs of the City Council, awakened at last to a sense of their duty, are preparing a number of ordinances of supreme and hitherto unmatched nonsensicality. In addition, so I hear, they plan to revive several acknowledged masterpieces of the past. One of the latter is the ordinance providing for the straightening of East Baltimore street–a measure ardently advocated by the estimable Hot Towel, that model of journalistic decency and sagacity. The effect of straightening Baltimore street east of the bridge would be to run it into Lombard street, a narrower and hillier thoroughfare. Teamsters using the new street would be brought up, in the end, by the wall of Patterson Park, and so would have to turn northward to get back to Baltimore street. In brief, the scheme would substitute a journey along the two sides of a right-angle triangle for the present journey along the indulant hypothenuse. And to carry it out would cost $500,000--which explains its attractiveness to political contractors and jobhounds.
The Hon. Mr. Wegg, the Belair Doctor Subtilis, on the Hon. Satan Anderson:
Brother Anderson is loaded [for bear]. Anderson is a man with [a] punch.
And even it the Hon. Samuel Summers Field, LL. D. is not Hon. de jure, he is at least Hon. de facto. Let the loathsome Democratic Telegram recant, repent, apologize, ask pardon and promise solemnly to sin no more.
My spies bring me news that another plan for getting rid of Marshal Thomas F. Farnan is being hatched. No doubt it will receive hearty support from both the rogues and the virtuosi of virtue of this town. The former object to the Marshal because he is always at their heels; the latter because he is disposed to view somewhat wearily their holy wars for chemical purity. The fundamental trouble with him, of course, is that he is a man of sense. In the midst of yawping he goes about his business. In the midst of bellowing he keeps his head.
It is easy enough to prove, of course, that Marshal Farnan has not brought Baltimore to the virtuous estate of Paradise, the New Jerusalem, or Chautauqua, N. Y. Now and then the moral sentiment of the community is shocked by the news that a poker room has been discovered on Eutaw street, or that some sport has stored a lot of broken slot machines in a West Baltimore stable, or that a saloon on Fort avenue has a side door. But the persons who grow excited over such tidings do not offer any remedy save raiding–and assuredly the Marshal does not hesitate to raid. He cannot raid a poker room, however, until he hears of it, and he cannot hear of it until it is opened.
Meanwhile, let his critics ponder upon the general good order of our fair city. We have no gangmen and gunmen, as New York has. We have no footpads, as Chicago has. Until the Vice Crusaders began their wild work, we suffered from the social evil less than any other American city. All of our streets, even the most lonely, are safe at night. Burglaries are rare. Highway robberies are almost unknown. We have fewer disorderly saloons than any other city of the first rank. With nearly 100,000 negroes to keep in order, we have few crimes of violence of any sort.
The Police Department, of course, is not perfect. No doubt it has its grafters and its laggards. In any body of 1,000 men you will find a few rogues. But put 1,000 Sunday-school superintendents beside our 1,000 policemen and ask yourself if the cops suffer by the comparison. The truth is that grafting was never less common in the Baltimore Police Department, or perhaps in any police department, than it is today. The Marshal is doing his work as well as it can be done, and he is aided, in the main, by honest and energetic men. Let them alone, messieurs. If we go farther we may fare much worse.
Beginning of the second canto of the Sheriffiad, the greatest comic epic since the Tale of a Tub: