Baltimore Evening Sun (9 October 1912): 6.
The boomers! The boomers! Where do you think they’re at? Why, where but down in Hopkins Place; a-passing ’round the hat!
Who killed Isidor? I says Bourke;
I done it with my deadly dirk.
Who killed Rourke? I says Isidor;
I croaked him and rolled him on the floor.
Alas, what luck for both that neither one
Was half so tough as Satan Anderson!
Standing of the clubs in the National Typhoid League for the week ended September 14, as reported by the rascally Public Health Service:
|New York||....................... .||377||Cleveland||.......................||000|
Eureka! Once more the percentage of the Orioles is greater than the combined percentages of the next two clubs.
Note the position of the Cleveland Club. It has been tailender all season, and not only all season, but also for years. At the census of 1910 Cleveland passed ahead of Baltimore, leading by the narrow margin of 2,178. If, between 1900 and 1910, Baltimore and Cleveland could have exchanged typhoid death rates, Baltimore would have remained in sixth place.
The City Council costs the taxpayers of Baltimore $60,000 a year. Its purpose is to cut up monkey-shines for the amusement of the vulgar. That high and humane purpose it now neglects. For three weeks running not a single Councilman has made an ass of himself. Is this fair? Is it decent? Do we keep buffoons to snore in their cages? Do we hire clowns to look wise and wag their heads? Let there be an end of this shirking. Let some gifted Councilman, more conscientious than the rest, fall upon his sleeping brethren with slapsticks and bladders. Let us have, henceforth and world without end, an honest effort to earn the money.
From a public proclamation by the. Hon. Aristides Sophocles Goldsborough, press agent and kappelmelster to the Archangel Harry:
[The] Hon. S. S. Field, City Solicitor, will address the meeting.
Let the Democratic Telegram now hide its blushes. Whatever it may say against granting the feudal title of “Hon.” to the Hon. Mr. Field, however shrewdly and diabolically it may argue him down, the custom is now official, aw fate, kosher. It is the Hon. Mr. Goldsborough’s job to decide such things. He is Earl Marshal of Baltimore, and not only Earl Marshal, but also camerlengo and wiskinski of the College of Heralds, Garter King-of-Arms, King’s Champion, vice-president and general manger of the Legion of Honor and Grand Cross of the Most Noble Order of the Feather. Authority could not higher go. I am well content to follow so learned a professor and flattered to receive his approval. Let the Telegram now bag its head to shade its vermilion shame!
From the contumacious resolutions of the South Baltimore Business Men’s Association:
When our present municipal authorities took charge of the city’s affairs we were promised a thorough business administration.
Not at all. We were promised an old-fashioned administration. And we have got it good and hard.
From the same bristling and incandescent philippic:
We see only a weak effort to reduce the tax rate by manipulation of the city’s finances and the imposition of water, sewerage and other rentals upon the taxpayers.
The stupid complaint of stupid men, unable to follow the mental processes of genius. Are they unaware that the taxpayer is the emperor of suckers? Don’t they know that he leaps at a low tax rate, however bogus, as a bullfrog leaps at red flannel? And don’t they also know that, as he leaps, it is easy and virtuous to pierce his viscera with ten dozen rentals?
Let these belligerent South Baltimoreans, sweating below the Dead Line, read the works of the Hon. Aristides Sophocles Goldsborough, head paralogist to the old-fashioned administration and the greatest political economist since David Ricardo. Let them read and learn. Let them absorb and venerate the doctrine of suckerdom, the damphool philosophy.
From a letter in this morning’s Hot Towel on the current Vice Crusade:
Closing up the houses of ill repute in a segregated district is in itself a commendable accomplishment, but when former inmates infest neighborhoods where are the homes of respectable people, then the society has but aggravated an evil * * * Three of this type of house have made their appearance upon one of Baltimore’s largest as well as most beautiful residential streets. * * * Highlandtown has become a place of abode for quite a few of these women, and reports from other sections that are being infected are daily coming to hand.
But what would you, dear heart? The Vice Crusaders must have their fun. What could be more stimulating, more exciting, more fascinating than the daily pursuit, with well-trained wolfhounds, of sinners? And what more virtuous?
The homeric wrestling of the platitudinarians:
- Men adopt the standards and ideals of the other men about them.--The Maryland Suffrage News.
- I will be loud enough before I am through.--The Hon. Isidor Rayner.
- Say what you will about the homely platitude, it is, nine times out of ten, the exprossion of a truth.--The Sunpaper.
- The future of the colorod people is one of the most perplexing problems of the South.—The Democratic Telegram.
- All naval vessels are * * * agents of destruction.--The Hon. John F. Clarke, the Arlington Hegel.
- The welfare of the city, as a whole, deserves some consideration.--The Hon. Aristides Sophocles Goldsborough.
- The substance is greater than the form.--The Sunpaper.
The Hon. John, F. Clarke, winner of last week’s platitude prize, in yesterday’s Letter Column:
As to his prize for platitudes, he may give it to the first desirable charity that appeals to him.
The prize was a framed portrait of Dr. Orison Swett Marden, the greatest living plalitudinarian. I accordingly divide it between the Vice Crusaders and the Merchants and Manufacturers’ Association, giving the good doctor’s noble whiskers to the former and his high, bulging brow to the latter.
Consider, beloved, the easy job of the Hon. Satan Anderson. He goes about the country arguing that politicians are dishonest. Well, who denies it? The politicians thenselves, of course. But who else?
From the suave and ingratiating Democratic Telegram:
We * * * always regarded our friend, the estimable Free Lance of The Evening Sun, as a man of erudition, veracity and goneral reliability. * * * Alas, for the vanity of human hopes!
Your own fault, dear fellow. Haven’t I warned you constantly against a too trusting heart? Haven’t I tried my darndest to show you that this or that hero had fake scars, that this or that martyr shed fake tears? And yet, for all that warning, you still pined for some one to trust, for some one to pin your faith to, for some one to venerate. And, pining thus, you came to a newspaper office! Oh, lud!
True enough, the Concord Club ain’t never indorsed them loans, but all the same Dan has kept it from doing what the Old Town Merchants done to Jake.--Adv.
Somehow a body don’t hear hardly nothing no more about them stuffers no more.
From the romantic Sunpaper of January 6. 1911:
$5,000 TO BOOM CITY
Mr. Dickey Offers Part Of $500,000 Fund For That Purpose.
From the same credulous journal of January 10:
MR. DICKEY TO ACT SOON
Plans Luncheon As Preliminary To Begin City Boom Movement.
Whoop! The boom is under way! From the Sunpaper of Feb. 15:
CITY BOOM ON IN EARNEST
Portland Man To Aid Create Baltimore Committee In Work.
Behold, the town takes fire! Boomers spring up on every hand. From the Sunpaper of March 1:
240 BOOSTERS ON LIST
“The More The Better,” Is Spirit Of Advertising Campaign.
Enter the arch-boomer! From the Sunpaper of April 2:
CITY BUILDER ARRIVES
Tom Richardson Outlines Plans For Booming Baltimore.
HE PROMISES QUICK RESULTS
Has Gained International Fame As A Promoter Of Prosperity In American Municipalities.
The populace is inflamed. A thousand Prominent Baltimoreans emit smoke and sparks. Off with the garb of grief! On with sweaters and overcoats! From the Sunpaper of April 6:
‘DO IT NOW!’ THE MOTTO
No Time Like Present For Booming, Says Tom Richardson.
TO TALK VIA LONG DISTANCE
Business Men in Various Parts Of State Will Be Able To Hear Him Speaking Here Next Week.
South street takes fire! The whole town is in flames. From the ever-faithful Sunpaper of April 7:
BANKERS IN BOOM WORK
Financial Part Of Campaign To Be In Their Charge.
TRAVELERS TO SPREAD NEWS
They Will Carry “Greater BaltimoreMessage” Wherever They Go--Mr. Dickey Encouraged.
But booms cost money. Very well, money will be forthcoming! From the Sunpaper of April 8:
$50,000 A YEAR FOR BOOM
This Is The New Estimate Of Expense Of The Campaign.
COMMERCIAL BODIES IN LINE
Business And Improvement Associations All Over The City Are Pledging Their Support.
Now they’re all hard at it! The air is full of electricity and wind music. From the Sunpaper of April 10:
BUSY WEEK FOR BOOMERS
Mr. Richardson And Committee Start Afresh Today.
BIG MEETING FOR WEDNESDAY
Work Together: Do Something And Do It Now, To Be Slogan Of Business Men.
All aboard! Let every Prominent Baltimorean grab an oar! From the Sunpaper of April 12:
FORWARD! BOOMERS’ CRY
Credit Men Told To Make Baltimore Best In Country.
MR. DICKEY ASKS ALL TO HELP
Mr. Richardson Declares This A “Mighty Interesting Place”--Mr. Preston Offers Co-Operation.
The climax! Money pours in! They’re off! From the Sunpaper of April 14:
$150,000 BY TOMORROW
This Is Aim Of The Greater Baltimore Committee.
ENTIRE AMOUNT AT ONE SWOOP
Sunset and evening bell! * * * And after that the dark!