Baltimore Evening Sun (18 September 1912): 6.

The boomers! The boomers! They’re growling in their den! And soon they’ll bust the iron bars and run amuck again!

From the estimable Hot Towel of this morning:

The American and the Star * * * stand for clean journalism and demand that the debasement of the press shall end. * * *

Also from the Hot Towel of this morning:

Don’t Persecute your Bowels

From the Hot Towel of last Sunday:

Divorces Obtained. Charges reasonable. Advice free. Address BOX A 5744, American Office. S1tp

From the Hot Towel of January 14, 1906:

WILL YOUNG LADY dressed in brown, with black hat and white muff and fur, who boarded Towson car midnight Wednesday evening at Holliday and Fayette sts., and got off at 23d st., communicate with friend? Address O 1084, American office. jal2, 14p

From the Hot Towel of the same day: WE SEEK HONORABLE HUSBAND FOR WIDOW, 35, worth $15,000; Bachelor Girl, 31, worth $25,000; Maiden, 25, worth $6,000, and others of means. HOME AND COMFORT, Toledo, O. ltSp

From the same moral journal of the same day:

TRAINED NURSE will treat confidentially confinement case in her home. W 2289, American office.

More from the same great uplifter of the same day:

DIVORCES successfully obtained without publicity or personal appearance in court. Fee, $20. ATTORNEYS, P. O. Box 431. ltSp

LOUIS R.—That was a gentle reminder. Will you at your earliest convenience. . . . E. jal4, 15, 17p

JANE–Something occurred during last week that brought back memories of the past happy days. It would be very much to my liking, if agreeable to you, to see you Friday evening. Write or phone. M. ltSp

YOUR FUTURE FULLY REVEALED—Love, business, marriage, etc., correctly treated. What I tell you comes true. Send dime and birth date. PROF. GARNAT, Dept. 46, Box 2179, Boston, Mass. ltSp

HOTEL ROYAL, Cor. Ensor and Mott sts. Ladies’ and Gents’ Dining-rooms. Every comfort. Stfp

DR. ROBERTSON, 411 N. Greene st.-35 years in special confidential office practice, for all needing medical treatment or advice. Quick cures guaranteed at moderate charges. Call or write. ltSp

From the virtuous Hot Towel of January 29, 1906:

YOUNG LADY who noticed gentleman Wednesday, 2 P. M., got on car (Madison avenue), going east, gray suit, tall, dark hair, carried pocketbook, please address O 172, American office. ltSp

WIDOW, 38, like to meet gentleman who will assist financially; no agents. Friendship and matrimony. Address L 185, American office. ltSp L. M.–When and where? Stand ready at any time you desire. Write or phone. B. ja28, 29, 31p

From the same pure gazette of February 25, 1906:

WILL YOUNG LADY who boarded Owings car Saturday evening about 4 o’clock, dressed in black, noticed gentlemen with overcoat on his arm, please address H 2507, American office. ltSp

From the same great paper of March 11, 1906:

LOU—Would like to meet party with check suit. Can you introduce? mhl1, 13, 15p

D. W. LONELY WIDOW, possessor of wealth and beauty, fond of travel, would visit prospective husband, if honest and sincere. MRS. W., 21 Wentworth Building, Chicago. ltSp

From Judge Burke’s charge to the Baltimore county grand jury:

* * * alleged gambling and Sunday liquor selling in certain sections of the county.

Which somehow recalls the Hon. Mr. Preston’s late remarks about alleged typhoid fever, alleged bad water and the alleged high death rate. New definition of “alleged,” for official use: undeniable, obvious, notorious, unquestionable, indisputable, incontestable, incontrovertible, patent, manifest, conspicuous, palpable, unmistakable.

The Right Rev. Henry M. Wharton, D. D., on the parlous sinfulness of this, our town:

Who will not admit that a Sunday-school superintendent may be the Mayor of a city, at whose banquets liquors flow freely, and in whose administration of affairs the principles of the religion he professes are strangely absent?

Tush, tush, good Doctor! Do not despair! This is the day of the speclalist. Even in virtue, one virtuoso cannot practise all branches. The great moralist you so unjustly revile confines himself to a single crusade. His one target is Sunday novel-reading, that vermilion and horrendous sin. But in this field, you must admit, he is pre-eminent. No other practitioner, indeed, has ever dealt vice more homeric wallops, or spread greater terror among evil-livers.

A few weeks more, and the Back River beer parks will be closed—even on Sundays.

Among the gentlemen still in attendance at Havre de Grace one notes the Hon. MM.:

Found! The Maryland Anti-Vivisection Society, so long non est, has bobbed up at Annapolis, where it recently held a public meeting and induced the local schoolmarms to pass resolutions denouncing the murder of guinea pigs. The rabble-rouser of the occasion was the Hon. William R. Bradshaw, of New York, who described with great gusto the torture of the little dears in such slaughterhouses as the Johns Hopkins Medical School–

How they are suffocated in tubs of mercury and plaster of paris (!); how their naked nerves are cicatized (?) with acids and hot irons (!!); how boiling water is poured into their intestines (!!!); how they are saturated with turpentine and kerosene and set on fire (!!!!); how they are flayed alive, boiled alive and baked alive (!!!!!).

I quote from the inspired report in the estimable Annapolis Capital. Welcome, thrice welcome! Life has been dull indeed without the Maryland Anti-Vivisection Society! Here’s hoping that it will make an active campaign this winter, and that it has laid in a new and attractive stock of slobber-gobble. Piety and Peruna! Bobo and Christian Science! Sniffles and Medical Freedom!

The boomers! The boomers! Bow down and give them thanks for starting all those steamship lines and million-dollar banks!

Not a word in the Hot Towel of this morning about the murder of Col. Jacobus Hook at last night’s meeting of the Old Town Merchants Well, well, what would you! Such crimes are not for a family paper. Nevertheless, there was a touch of beauty in the tragedy. Wrapping the sewer rental plan around him and turning his eyes toward Munich, the good Colonel faced the forest of poinards with a smile serene and ineffable. So perish the brave!