Baltimore Evening Sun (17 September 1912): 6.

The boomers! The boomers! They’re coming with a rush! And soon they’ll have us nutty with their fascinating slush!

The Hon. William H. Anaerson, camerlengo of the Anti-Saloon League, puts me to the torture in today’s Letter Column because I lately advised him to quit talking of reprisals by Rum Demonists, on the ground that possible contributors to the league might be scared off thereby. Unluckily, the Hon. Mr. Anderson seems to misapprehend my fear and my point. I do not maintain that the gentlemen who now contribute to the league can ever be scared off, no matter how fearful the revenges of the Demonists. These contributors are tough fellows; they welcome war to the death; they delight in cruel and sanguinary persecution. But I do maintain that there are weaker brethren who may be scared stiff by that persecution--brethren who, despite a native impulse to cough up, may be shooed into the catacombs by news that the Demonists butcher contributors. Hence my theory that it is unwise to talk of penalties. Confine the oratory to rewards, here and in Heaven--and there will be more money in the hat.

The Hon. Mr. Anderson admits himself, at least by implication (see his first paragraph), that certain potential subscribers have been scared off, and he also admits that not more than 2½ per cent. of the possible subscribers contribute at all (see his third paragraph), and that most of the few who do contribute manage to evade the Demonists’ wrath (see his second paragraph). Is this a satisfactory condition of affairs? I fear me not. The ideal is plainly a unanimous contribution--and one way to attain to it, I believe, is to refrain from dwelling upon its perils. There are men, of course, who not only brave martyrdom but actually like it. But there are more men who don’t like it.

However, while I still stick to this view, I apologize to the Hon. Mr. Anderson for putting it forward. After all, the question is merely one of technique, and upon all such questions of technique the honorable gentleman’s opinion is worth ten times as much as my own. In the science of inflaming the plain people he is an acknowledged expert, perhaps the greatest that Maryland has ever seen. I myself am no expert. Therefore, as I say, I offer my apologies and hold my theory lightly. As well question Welch on Streptococci, or Parsons on Contracts, or Loden on Jobs.

It would be a joke if them ex-Sheriffs was to fool the newspapers and let the case go on. But it don’t hardly seem likely none.

Contribution to a textbook of baltimorality:

Gambling on the races is sinful at Havre de Grace, but highly stimulating and refining at Pimlico.

Program of the penitent stuffers at the impending plebiscite: Faith without works.

The late grand jury on the work of Warden Weyler, after four hours of investigation:

We find that the condition of the institution would be very much improved if it were placed in charge of a man as warden who is thoroughly familiar with modern methods of managing a penal institution.

The late Goldsborough S. Griffith on the work of Warden Weyler, after sixteen years of investigation:

No words of commondation can be too strong to express the debt of gratitude of the people of this State to this good and faithful servant.

Mr. Griffith was president of the Maryland Prisoners’ Aid Society for a generation, and was the leading spirit in its labors. During that time he came into contact with thousands of prisoners, not only while they were behind the bars, but also after their release. They talked to him confidentially; he heard the truth about the penitentiary; no man was better able to judge it.

But now it appears, after four hours of snooping by amateurs, that the verdict of this undoubted expert is to be set aside! He, too, was ignorant and vicious! He knew nothing about Penalogy, of which all grand jurymen are professors! He learned less in 16 years than these genii learned in four hours!

From a Newport dispatch in the estimable Sunpaper:

Mr. Pope is considered one of the foremost architects of America. He is a graduate of the Bozart in Paris. * * *

Well, why not? Bozart is simpler, lovelier, more American than Beaux Arts. Why not spell all vexing foreign terms phonetically--and in frank accordance with their orthodox American pronunciation? Why not Hoffbrow instead of Hofbraeu, fawks pass instead of faux pas, kaif instead of cafe, Montsewer instead of Monsieur, amachoor instead of amateur, shirtso instead of scherzo, connysewer instead of connoisseur, meenoo instead of menu?

All honor to the Sunpaper for leading the way! Why should a free American bruise his brains with the orthography of foreign and barbarous tongues? His own rich and resilent language is enough for his needs. Let scoffers mock! He knows what he wants to say--and his fellow citizens know what he is saying.

Rumors of a rift within the graphite lute come to me through various ferrets and tattlers. For three weeks the Hot Towel has done no tallowing worthy of its high talents--and now comes the Democratic Telegram with several scornful paragraphs at the Towel’s expense. See column 1, page 13, of the issue of September 14. Can it be that these great organs of oleomania fall out--that there has been a secret fight over the tallowing contract--that the Telegram, by immoral wire-pulling, has won? I have put 40 spies on the job and shall report the facts as they develop. The Hon. Paving Bob Padgett is shadowed day and night. The Hon. Bob Lee will be sweated. If the Towel has been handed a citron, after all these months of ardent greasing, the taxpayers should hear of it.

Inquiry from an estimable but ignorant reader:

What is the meaniog of Geheimrat?

Simple enough. Geheimrat is a German title of honor. Specifically, it is a title bestowed upon any physician who has done as much for medical science as Geheimrat. Prof. Dr. John Turner, Jr.

The more Jake talks about what he seen in Munich, the less chance he has got to brood over what he has saw in Baltimore.

The boomers! The boomers! They gather in a horde to march on Armageddon and do battle for the Lord!

Say what you will against them sewer rents, if Dan Loden collects ’em you can be sure he’ll put some style into it.--Adv.