Baltimore Evening Sun (5 September 1912): 6.

Headline from the estimable Sunpaper of January 22, 1909:

STATE TO SUE SHERIFFS

Governor Says They Must Give Us Fees In Excess Of $3,000.

Oh, la, la! Oh, la, la, la! Oh, la, la, la, la!

Headline from the Sunpaper of May 6, 1909:

DEMANDS SHERIFF’S FEES

Attorney-General Straus Wants Ex- cess Of Salaries Returned.

Oh, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!

Headline from the Evening Sunpaper of December 19, 1911:

AFTER EX-SHERIFFS

New Attorney-General Will Not
Drop Effort To Collect Excess Fees.

Oh, la, la, la! Oh, la, la, la! Oh, la, la, la!

Dear old Doc Palmer, chancellor and wiskinski of the Palmer School of Chiropractic, at Davenport, Iowa, one of the strongest fortresses of medical freedom in this lovely land of ours, continues to pursue me with his soft blandishments. The Doc thinks I am a sucker for not studying chiropractic, which is fast pushing osteopathy into the discard, and he boldly says so in his letters. “If you are in a rut,” he writes, “and can’t get out of it, tell us about it and we’ll pull you out clear aind clean. Try us–we are willing. It’s up to YOU now.” And then he goes on to show how medical freedom is sweeping all before it. I quote him verbatim:

The medical men are continually admitting their inability to cope with the diseases of man by use of drugs and operations they are seeking new developments with which to promote and perfect their methods--they cannot--and are fast losing ground.

In his interesting pamphlet, “The P. S. C. Way,” the Doc pursues the matter further. Medicine, he says, is a mere mixture of buffoonery and swindling. All the cried up drugs are frauds. For example, “Uhlrich’s 606.” (I quote the Doc exactly.) Thus he describes a typical consultation:

Physician asks questions--or observes his patient--patient answers--physician assembles--patient has what Dr. calls it. Dr. finds from patient what he has, patient tells. Dr. tells patient what patient tells Dr. $5 for service.

Thus the public is robbed and the graveyards have to hang out signs reading “Standing Room Only.” What is worse, these loathsome medical doctors have laws passed against osteopaths and chiropractors. They want a monopoly. Not content with robbing and murdering the foolish, they yearn for the blood and mazuma of the thousands who turn to medical freedom. But the Doc has a trick to beat them. The Christian Scientists, he observes, get away with it on the ground that they are practicing, not a graft, but a religion. Well, why not make chiropractic a religion too?

No sooner said than done! The Doc organizes the Chiropractors’ Theological Society and invites all customers to join. Once you have your membership card you may laugh at medical societies and grand juries. Thus the Doc exults: “The problem solved! Solution: Theology and liberty!” And then he goes on:

Religion or theology has never been legisliated upon because its pay is donated--it is not a commercial business * * * Christian Science–a religion. Christian Scientists immune from legal interference--they practice their theology * * * One case tried--that ended it * * * Chiropractic theology gives you scientific and personal freedom. You lose nothing--gain everything * * * For the practice of a science and art we are convicted. For the practice of a theology we are set at liberty.

Corwin case–Adkins case Lost Won
Profession vs. Theology.

A sagacious cuss, this Doc Palmer. Not only is theology an effective protection but it also draws customers on its own account. The American people love the transcendental. They are natural supernaturalists. Once convince them that a new healing scheme not only repudiates nature but actually repeals it and then re-enacts it with amendments, and their money begins to pour into your pockets. Give them magic and they yield their mazuma.

Space offered to the Hon. Jacobus Hook, K. T., to tell what the Mayor of Munich thought of the supermahonic theory that the way to combat typhoid is to deny that it exists:

Kid Price announced at Young Bellais’ training camp yesterday that his handlers during his coming bout with the Hon. Satan Anderson would be Young Bellais (chief of staff), Young Moore, Kid Benson and Bill Frere. All of these are country boys. In addition, the Kid will have the aid and advice of certain eminent city talent. Anderson will be looked after by Young Cochran, Doc Carroll and Kid Mills. A prominent suffragette will be asked to act as referee.

Well, if Anderson gets licked, Harry won’t shed no tears over it, you may be sure.

Further contributions toward a thesaurus of supermahonic synonyms for journalist:

Contributions toward a thesaurus of journalistic synonyms for journalist:

Charity: the most subtle and certain of all agents of human degradation. Is it any wonder that Tammany is enormously charitable, that every ward boss is free with market baskets and tons of coal? What surer way to pollute the poor? What quicker and better device for manufacturing primary workers, reliable voters, hogs? Yes, all politicians are virtuosi of charity. There are no more charitable folk in Christendom. They know the precise value and influence of free milk, free ice, free coal. They are willing to spend real money at that game.

Look out for Burns men in uniform! Even policemen can’t be trusted no more!

All the City Council needs is a chorus in tights to put the Gayety and Empire out of business.--Adv.