Baltimore Evening Sun (30 August 1912): 6.

Col. Jacobus Hook on his hair-raising adventures in Paris:

We were also shown the public morgue, where every corpse is displayed at an angle of 45 degrees, in a half-sitting position.

And while the good Jacobus was marveling at the sight his tax bailiffs at home were being shown the shoot-the-chutes, also at an angle of 45 degrees and also adapted to a half-sitting position.

If you have any prejudice against dying, which I assume to be the case, my advice is that you send 10 cents in cash or stamps to the Hon. E. W. Dodge, of Ruskin, Tenn., for a copy of his masterly treatise, “The Defeat of Death.” The Hon. Mr. Dodge does not claim to be the author of the sovereign balm boosted in this book. On the contrary, he frankly gives credit for the discovery to Dr. Thomas Powell, of Los Angeles; Dr. W. H. Burgess, Dr. ------ Carey and Dr. ------ Stevens, four eminent scientists who are kept out of “Who’s Who in America” by professional jealousy. But if he is not the author, he is at least the head evangelist and press agent, and so it is worth while to read and heed him.

To understand the Powell-Burgess-Carey-Stevens-Dodge theory and balm, it is necessary to recall the fact that human blood is full of white corpuscles, the which are commonly called leucocytes or phagocytes by biologists. Down in 1883, or thereabout, no one knew what these white corpuscles were there for. But then came Dr. Elie Metchnikoff, the great Russian bacteriologist, with the “discovery” that they were eaters of germs. Dr. Matchnikoff devised a simple experiment to prove this alleged discovery. That is to say, he mixed phagocytes and germs, set the mixture aside for a time--and then showed that the germs were in the phagocytes.

Biologists everywhere fell for this little trick, as the saying is, and today the theory that phagocytes are germ-eaters is taught in all the medical schools, and devices for the cure of many diseases--tuberculosis, for example--are based on it. But, according to the Hon. Mr. Dodge, it is all wild nonsense, flapdoodle, bunk. Far from being germ-eaters, phagocytes (or, as Geheimrat Turner has it, phagucytes) are actually germ food. Seeing them grappling with germs, Metchnikoff thought that they were gobbling germs. But in reality the germs were gobbling them. Hear the Hon. Mr. Dodge (page 15):

Most of what we eat enters the system * * * as ALBUMEN, and is then changed into other forms as required. But when the albumen is not properly prepared by the digestive organs it enters the blood as WASTE, taking on the forms which are known as white corpuscles. Dr. Powell calls this non-functional albumen “pathogen” and shows that * * * it is a disintegration of useless matter in the system. This albumen coats around in the blood as a waste, clogging the capillaries, acting as a stopping ground for lime and other mineral deposits, thus reducing the size of the veins and arteries and [acting] as a soil, a base of food supplies for germs.

And how do the germs get there? Hear the Hon. Mr. Dodge again (page 14):

THE GERMS ARE THERE TO FEED. They come into existence because of the white cells, just the same as worms will infest a bit of decayed meat. It is useless to say that putrid meat is there to fight the maggots; similarly, it is equally useless to claim that the white cells are the enemies of germs * * *.

But what to do about it? Obviously, the logical step is to get rid of this floating rubbish--this goulash of germ food--and so save the harassed body, first, by cutting off the food supply of the germs and, secondly, by stopping the clogging of the capillaries. But how? Three ways are reported by the Hon. Mr. Dodge. One is the “electrical method” of Dr. Powell, of Los Angeles:

Dr. Powell, after removing this waste from himself by his electrical method, allowed the doctors of Los Angeles to inoculate him with the germs of many dangerous diseases, and he contracted none of them, because there were few if any white corpuscles in his blood for the germs to live upon.

The second method is called the biochemic and is the invention of Dr. Carey. “It utilizes a cell-salt to take up the albumen, thus preventing it from becoming non-functional.” And finally there is the method of Dr. Burgess, which removes “the toxic poisons from the system--with a bath which takes away the carbon base of the crystals--that is, after non-functional albumen has combined with carbon and formed crystals. It is removed by the Burgess method.”

The precise nature of Dr. Powell’s electrical method and of the chemical and biochemical methods of Drs. Burgess and Carey is not revealed by the Hon. Mr. Dodge, but he gives his word that all three work. The Burgess method, in particular, is quick and certain. Once the bath is applied the carbon is extracted instantly, and “the rest of the poisonous matter immediately exudes through the skin as a gum.” The bath is applied with a sponge, “at a cost of a few cents for material obtainable anywhere.”

I wish I could tell you more about these wonderful discoveries, but I lack the money to pay for the books of Drs. Powell, Burgess and Carey. The first is written “in technical language, suitable for physicians” and costs $5. Unfortunately it “is of no value to the general public, as they would not be able to understand it.” Dr. Burgess’ work, in six volumes, is usually sold at $4.50, but the Hon. Mr. Dodge offers to send it postpaid for $3.25. “Some physicians who use it are making as high as $25,000 annually.” Finally, the biochemical book of Dr. Carey goes for $2.50 cash. “You can’t afford,” says the Hon. Mr. Dodge, “to do without the books of Drs. Burgess and Carey. You may save the amount involved, but it is very expensive saving.”

I agree with the Hon. Mr. Dodge, and gladly give his missionary work this free puff. Is immortality worth $5.75? If it is, then it is the plain duty of every man who has the money to send it to Ruskin, Tenn.

Boil your drinking water! Watch for Burns’ spy-glass! Swat the fly!

Last call for the jobhounds of the City Council to atone for their insult to The Evening Sun! Beware, gents; we’re a-comin’!

Report of the Hon. Jacobus Hook’s home-coming in the rascally Evening News:

One of the first things he proclaimed when he struck the municipal building was that he had discovered while abroad that Mayor Preston was known by reputation all over Europe. “And both favorably and well,” added the genial Colonel.

Thank goodness, the tickler was unharmed by good Jacobus’ dizzy gallop! The Hot Towel, of late, has fallen down on the job. The witch hazel has run thin; the tallow has grown gummy. But with the Jacobian feather at work again all is well.