Baltimore Evening Sun (6 August 1912): 6.

THE ACCOLADE

(The super-Mahon to his camorrists.) The Sun and The Evening Sun—the latter of which is only distinguished from the former by being more scurrilous. * * *

From the lexicon of the political doctor seraphicus et invincibilis:

Scurrilous, adj., inconveniently truthful, blabbing, irreverent, contumacious.

Say what you will against it, the super-Mahon’s first annual message to the House of Mirth must be set down an able and learned state paper, with much graceful writing in it and the occasional flash of a Great Truth. The serene tone of the cloistered philosopher, perhaps, is not there. The man heaves and gargles in the midst of his syllogisms. But what would you? He has passed of late through horrendous adventures. He has been murdered twice within little more than 30 days. If, then, he shows a certain peevishness, a touch of bile, it is no more than any other man would show with like wounds. Allowing for all this, his composition must be praised for its comprehensiveness, its earnestness and its realistic appearance of intelligence. In brief, it reflects great credit upon its author, whoever he may be.

Not, of course, that it wholly satisfies the logician. Far from it, indeed. On one page, for example, the hon. gent. denounces the rascally Sunpaper for alleging that the drinking water of Baltimore is bad and that typhoid prevails, and on another page he takes credit for launching a filtration plant. If our water, “by actual chemical test,” is as pure as he says, if the reports of typhoid are merely the libels of medical and journalistic kill-joys, then why spend $2,000,000 upon a filtration plant? Why speak of the prospective Gunpowder supply as “increased and improved”? How can the perfect be improved?

Moreover, consider the report of the Hon. Ezra B. Whitman, Water Engineer, appended to the message. I quote from page 171:

During the first five months of the year there was an increase of [in?] the number of typhoid cases over those of the previous year, and an improvement to the water supply of vital interest to our citizens was made, etc., etc.

Treason here! The super-Mahon himself, on page 11, denounces the Evening Sunpaper for calling attention to “the alleged bad water, and the alleged prevalence of typhoid fever,” and yet here is good Ezra, on page 171, admitting both, not only by inference, but also specifically. What is worse, the Hon. James Bosley, Cornmissioner of Health, agrees with him, Thus, on page 108, Dr. Bosley gives figures showing that both the typhoid case rate and the typhoid death rate have been increasing in Baltimore since 1905, and on page 109 he says:

These figures would indicate that the opinion that the condition of our water * * * is accountable for a good portion of our typhoid fever is well founded.

And in considering the various causes of typhoid, in the order of their importance, he puts bad water first.

In brief, both the Hon. Mr. Whitman and Dr. Bosley agree with the scoundrelly Sunpaper, as against the seraphic super-Mahonm (a) that Baltimore has far too much typhoid fever, and (b) that bad drinking water is and has been chiefly to blame for it. As for the comparative typhoid death rates in Baltimore and other cities, let the Public Health Reports, in from Washington this very morning, speak:

Such was the standing of the clubs in the National Typhoid League during the week ended July 13, the last week reported by the Public Health and Marine Hospital Service. The batting average of the Orioles, it will be noticed, was nearly equal to those of the next two clubs taken together. It was also nearly equal to those of all the remaining clubs taken together. In brief, there was substantially as much typhoid in Baltimore, per 100,000 of population, as in Philadelphia and Cleveland combined or in Pittsburgh, Boston, New York, Chicago and St. Louis combined. And yet the beauteous super-Mahon denounces the felonious Sunpaper for calling attention to “the alleged prevalence of typhoid”!

But here, perhaps, I push the hot gent. too hard, and a bit unfairly. His logical method, it appears clearly, is not that of Aristotle, Mill and Whatley—those villains, those degenerates!—but that of the Merchants and Manufacturers’ Association. He does not reason as mere earthworms reason, but as boomers and archangels reason. His ratiocination is not an intellectual process, but a boomiferous process. And this is his typical syllogism:

Major Premise—The beautiful is the true.
Minor Premise—It is beautiful to think that we have no typhoid.
Conclusion—We have no typhoid.

In oether words, the proof of a proposition is in its pleasantness. This is the fundamental doctrine of all boomers. Any effort to get rid of an evil by first admitting it and then fighting it “hurts” Baltimore, and is therefore immoral. The true patriot holds his nose and shouts hosannah. Rather than warn the stranger off, he invites the stranger in—and then dies gallantly with him. Hear the super-Mahon (pages l9 and 20):

Philadelphia has a series of special assessments. She even makes up annual deficiencies by issuing special bonds in order to keep down the “apparent” [tax] rate. She presents, therefore, on the surface a very low rate. * * * Very true; the taxpayers have to pay substantially more than their tax rate indicates. * * * But that doesn’t alter the value of the policy.

In other words, any juggling of figures, sly lying, any thimble-rigging of taxpayers, any fraud upon the prospective investor, is justifiable, so long as it works. Woo the sucker with music—and then shake him down. Assure the stranger that we have no typhoid—and than collect $74 for his nobby shipping funeral.

Such is the super-Mahonic logic. Such is the naif ethic of that lovely creature.

Scoundrelly remark of the Hon. C. B. Roylance Kent, in “The English Radicals” (London: 1899):

During the present century the world has enlarged its experience. It has, in fact, discovered that monarchs and aristocracies have often acted, and do constantly act, in the interests of the governed; that identity of interest in the govenors and the governed is not necessarily a security for good government at all; that the governed do not always know their true interest, nor pursue it when they know it.

Lookout, boys! Burns is here! Don’t go talkin’ too much to no strangers! Watch for marked money!

Boil your drinking water! Cover your garbage can! Watch out for Burns!