Baltimore Evening Sun (1 August 1912): 6.

{illustration} Court Circular
Padgette Palace, July 31.
The Hon. John J. Mahon, Jr., was received in audience by his Majesty and kissed hands on his appointment as Under-Secretary to the Exchequer. The Hon. Mr. Mahon was presented to the benefice by his father, the Right Hon. John J. Mahon, K. T., Lord President of the Council.

A Chapter of the Most Noble Order of the Feather was held on Tuesday, with the Right Hon. Jacobus Hook, Grand Commander, presiding. His Majesty was prevented from being present by State business, but was represented by the Earl of Padgette, K. T., Comptroller of the Household, and the Right Hon. Daniel Joseph Loden, K. T., Master of the Jobhounds. The Hon. S. S. Field, K. C., Solicitor-General to the Crown, was raised from the rank of Companion to that of Commander. He was attended by the Hon. Public Man Biggs, K. T., as Camerlengo, and by the Right Hon. Bob Lee, K. T., as Postillion. Twenty-eight Knights Tickler were present and joined in the hymns.

That pseudonymous gentleman who lately drove corkscrews into the Hon. William Shepard Bryan, Jr., in The Evening Sun Letter Column today delivers himself of an acute harangue upon the subject of orthodoxy. A Socialist, he argues, is a highly orthodox man, not because he follows the dominant thought in politics, for he doesn’t, but because he follows Marx. To this, alas, two good answers are possible. The first os that such a test would convict not only the Socialist but also the anarchist of orthodoxy, for the anarchist follows Proudhon and Bakeunin. The second is that not one Socialist out of forty actually follows Marx. In brief, the premise of the syllogism is unsound and its conclusion is absurd. Let the gentleman come again.

Meanwhile, I sincerely hope that he will withdraw the more violent of his accusations against the Hon. Mr. Bryan. Mr. Bryan, I am well aware, is not of the full stature of the Hon. Francois Rabelais. A lesser man, he cannot hope to compete with the great Frenchman in wit and learning. But he honestly does his darudest, and angels could do no more.

Important discovery of Geheimrat Prof. Dr. John Turner, Jr., chief medical adviser to the Old-Fashioned Administration:

If two-thirds of the so-called sick would destroy all their different medicines and take beefstrips every 2 hours to chew, within 10 days they would be up enjoying life.

Welcome to bovotherapy! Say what you will against it, it is a darn eight more reasonable than psychotherapy.

Scornful postcard from the Hon. R. Contee Rose:

In your estimable column in The Evening Sun of July 31, referring to your errors in Latin, you say: “If men got one stroke of the bastinado for every error in Latin, I would be able to eat more meals sitting down than any Latinist in Christendom.” Is it possible that you eat your meals sitting on your feet, like an oriental? Have you not again fallen in error by mistaking the place where the bastinado is usually applied?

Answer: I have not. And the Hon. Mr. Rose will find proof of it on page 471, of Volume I of the “Century Dictionary and Cyclopedia.”

Good old Doc Schulze, president and catchpoll of the American College of Mechano-Therapy, of 81 West Randolph street, Chicago, continues to pursue me with his soft blandishments. Not long ago, it appears, the faculty of the college decided to quote me a ridiculously low scholarship rate, on the ground that mechano-therapy was “not sufficiently represented” in these parts, and now comes the excellent doc with an offer to throw in instruction in osteopathy and chiropractic as makeweight. If I were not such a hunker, this is what I would get for $25 down, or $3 down and $3 a month for eight months:

1. Eight anatomical and physiological charts, lithographed “in several colors” and “containing 5,400 inches of the finest color lithography ever produced.”
2. A printed manual explaining the charts in terms comprehensible to the meanest understanding.
3. A special chart, 19 by 32 inches in size, showing “in detail the principal mechano-therapeutic manipulations.”
4. The entire course in mechano-therapy In 16 books.
5. The careful correction of my lesson papers.
6. As many special letters of instruction as I may need.
7. A beautiful diploma, giving me “the academic degree of doctor of mechano-therapy.”
8. Doc Schulze’s textbook of osteopathy.
9. Doc ditto’s ditto of chiropractic.

Why this incredibly generous offer? Simply because Doc Schulze wants my good will. “One thing,” he says, “I ask you: START TODAY. I want YOU as a representative, and in return for all I am giving you I surely expect your influence in helping to secure other students for us at the regular rates.”

What are these regular rates? Alas, they seem to vary. In the doc’s first letter, dated July 17, 1911, they were $100 cash, or $37 down and $23 a month for three months, or $24 down aud $14.50 a month for six months. But by August 12 they had shrunk to $50 cash, or $18.50 down and $11.50 a mouth for three months, or $12 down and $7.25 a month for six months. On September 9, when I next heard from the doc, they were holding to these figures, but on October 9 the flat rate dropped from $50 to $47, and the installment rate went to $4 down and $6 a mouth for eight months. On November 9 there was a further fall to $25 cash, or $5 down and $5 a month for five months, and on May 13, after a long silence, the installment rate dropped to $3 down and $3 a month for eight months, where it now sticks.

But the good doc still keeps on adding things to his prize package. At the start he offered to teach me only mechano-therapy, but now he throws in osteopathy and chiropractic, not to mention the 5,400 square inches of “the finest color lithography ever produced.”

Bright thoughts from “The Physiology of the Human Body and Hygiene,” by Geheimrat Prof. Dr. John Turner, Jr., author of bovotherapy and chief medical adviser to the super-Mahon:

Bitters, cordials, special tonics, etc., are all alcoholic in character, and are extremely hurtful in themselves, and further, they may lead to the real drink habit, which is horrible. (Page 205.)
Attached to and part of this caecum is a wormlike appendix called the vermiform appendix. * * * When inflamed we call it the modern appendicitis. (Page 203.)
Coffee, tea, chocolate, etc. are seemingly necessary for the poor man’s stimulation * * * They produce a restful feeling, after having spent a day of effort, and soothes, yet does not disqualify for labor; therefore, literary workers esteem them highly. (Page 152.)