Baltimore Evening Sun (24 July 1912): 6.

{illustration} Court Circular

BUCKINGHAM PALACE. July 24.

The three weeks of Court Mourning for the tragedy of July 2 having expired, gentlemen in attendance upon His Majesty will now lay aside their crepe veils.

His Majesty today received in audience the Right Hon. Max Ways (President of the Board of Works) and the Right Hon. Daniel Joseph Loden, K. G. (Master of the Jobhounds).

The Hon. Clarence E. Stubbs, Steward of the Royal Buildings and Grounds, was received by His Majesty and had the honor of kissing hands.

Lieut. Col. Jacobus Hook, D. S. O., Equerry-in-Waiting, has been granted one month’s leave of absence, beginning August 1st.

The City Council refuses to withdraw its impertinent and disgusting praise of The Evening Sun, and the boom-boomers continue with their plans for a public victualing of the Hon. Robert Crain.

Contumacious remark of the Hon. Clarence E. Stubbs, Inspector of Buildings:

I am not going to make any appointments until after I see the men and find out for myself that they are competent and can do the work.

How much more loyal and lovely the words of the Hon. McCay McCoy:

We will take care of a man who voted for us. They are our first care. * * * There is no hypocrisy in our stand. We say frankly that we stand for the organization.

The Hon. W. C. Williams, press agent of the local Christian Scientists, has at me in today’s Letter Column on account of certain remarks lately printed in this place about a typhoid epidemic at Memphis. The argument of the honorable gentleman is of a piece with all other Christian Science broadsides. That is to say, it simply enters a categorical denial to every statement made by the educated physicians who observed and reported the Memphis epidemic, without offering the slightest evidence in support of those denials. In the first place, Memphis had no epidemic of typhoid; in the second place, those who were not vaccinated did not acquire the disease; in the third place, some of those who were vaccinated did. And so on.

The traditional technique of the Eddian rabble-rouiers! If an educated physician pronounces a case of illness typhoid fever, then it is nothing but an “ordinary malarial or bilious attack.” If the medical authorities of the world agree that typhoid vaccine will greatly reduce liability to the disease, then they are asses and rogues. If a layman, considering their experienee and training, accepts their opinion, then he is a numbskull unspeakable.

It is curious to observe that, in the heat of such accusings, the Christian Scientists are always perfectly willing to compromise with the “ignorance” they denounce. Thus the Hon. Mr. Williams, in his letter, argues eloquently that the Memphians had “malarial or bilious attacks,” despite the well-known Christian Science doctrine that malaria and biliousness have no existence. Again he is full of pity for the Memphians who had fever following vaccination, despite the fact that fever, by the Eddian philosophy, is a mere delusion. In brief, the Christian Scientists are always eager to admit the existence of disease when educated physicians apparently fail to cure it, but ready to deny it when they succeed.

Meanwhile, I renew my old offer to the Hon. Mr. Williams to debate the value of Christian Science itself—not as a theology nor as a graft, but as a practical scheme of healing. The one condition I make is that be must not try to knock off my head with the Gospels. The art of Biblical exegesis is one that cannot be pursued in a daily newspaper. But if he wants to discuss the question whether cancer is a real disease or a mere illusion, or whether Mind is sufficient to cure smallpox, I shall be glad to nominate bottle-holders and hire a hall.

Politician: a man with a defective sense of smell.

Have a care, Bill; have a care! I hear that Kid Price has been training in secret, at Young Trippe’s roadhouse! Feel the gloves carefully before you let him put them on. Many a nose has been broken by a horseshoe.

More gems of thought from “The Physiology of the Human Body and Hygiene,” by Geheimrat Prof. Dr. John Turner, Jr., chief medical adviser to the Hon. the super-Mahon:

Phagucytes are supposed white corpuscles, which eat flesh and digest it. (Page 63.)

Respiration means the gaseous reception, distribution and elimination of the body. (Page 207.)

By placing Mercury in a test tube the Blood Pressure will lift Hg up 6 in. in left ventricle, 4 in. in right ventricle, and ¾ in. in auricles. (Page 70.)

According to some writer there are certain germs which prefer suicide to that of a watery surrounding. (Page 46.)

Come on, Col. Pabst. We gave you a lot of valuable space when you piped your tune. Now give us a seance with that Muenchener!

More contributions to the directory of intolerable pests:

Difference between the future and the past: we will get more water in our water pipes and less in our gas pipes.

Reactionary: any man who will take a drink with a City Councilman.

Which somehow recalls the good old days when the City Council adjourned promptly at 7.45 every Monday night in order that the members might snatch a rasher of free lunch, and get to the Monumental Theatre before the curtain went up.

School teacher: one who punishes the curiosity of intelligent children.

The direct primary: the Dr. Doan’s Kidney Pill of politics.

In considering the agents and attorneys of the great natural law that only the fittest shall survive, the statistician stands choiceless and flabbergasted before Christian Science and Peruna.

The City Council: standing proof that the School Board is comparatively intelligent.