Baltimore Evening Sun (28 June 1912): 8.
THE OFFICIAL FORECAST [The super-Mahon in his weekly paper.] When the showdown comes he [I] will be UNANIMOUSLY nominated for the Vice-Presidency.
Meanwhile my advice to all thrifty souls is that they fatten up their bets upon the honorable gentleman, for my spies bring me news of great doings in his behalf behind closed doors. The Hoffman street ticket speculators, who were driven out of business on Wednesday, are now making book on the result, and at 11.30 this morning they were offered 3 to 2 on the super-Mahon.
Notes of the juicy and fortissimo all-night session:
The Hon. Jacobus Hook, the popular publican, and the Hon. A. Foley Butler, the eminent juriconsult, sat with the Maryland delegation during the Clark demonstration and assisted by applauding the applause. So copiously did the Hon. Paul Quinn perspire at his labors that his rescue from actual drowning was efffected only by the use of two bandannas, a towel, three Clark banners, the coat-of-arms of Rhode Island and a seersucker vest.
From the indecent New York Sun of yesterday:
Mayor Dashing Harry * * * of Baltimore.
Thus the influence of the estimable Hot Towel is visible in high and far places and the fame of its private archangel grows apace.
Seventh and last installment of the holographic, auto-interview with Wirklicher Geheimrat Obermedizinalrat General-Arzt Exzellenz Hon.-Prof. Dr. John Turner, Jr., author of “The Physiology of the Human Body and Hygiene,” surgeon-in-chief to the Loch Raven waterworks, supervising physician and consulting chirurgeon to the Democratic National Convention, hygienist and anaesthetist to the Eleventh Ward Democratic Club, emeritus prosector of anatomy in the University of Maryland, inspector-general of the super-Mahonic Health Department and chief medical privy councillor to the Right Hon. the super-Mahon:
“You think, then, Doctor, that mistakes help a man if he has the right fibre in him?”
“Certainly. Did Mencken ever read the Bible? If not, let him try now. Read it carefully. You will find mistakes and errors a-plenty. but what about the thousands of pounds of meat-poetry, history, morals, wit, humor, pathos, love, truths, human nature and prose, the best ever written in any language? “Mistakes! Why, we win only by our numerous mistakes and errors. No man, be he banker, farmer, preacher, doctor, lawyer or inventor, ever amounted to a hill of beans except he made hundreds of mistakes. Dig deep enough, Mencken, and you will find gold in every honest effort.
“Do you remember the little boy’s essay on Dogs? He said, ‘Dogs kill cats. Dogs is usefuller as cats is. Goats smell.’ The whole school laughed at him, but reread that essay and you will find that the boy had a brain and original ideas.
“Lincoln’s young life was full of errors, and he was sold out once by the sheriff on acc’t of some of these. Cæsar’s, too, and he owed a million when he crossed the Rubicon; Sir Walter Scott’s early life was a continuous failure, filled with mistakes; by his mistakes and losses he became so poor that he had to spend his evenings in bed, studying; too poor to buy firewood to keep his room warm. Grant became almost a pauper by his mistakes in finance. Mozart’s mistakes were so numerous in his youth that he labored hard to forget them. So you see that mistakes only spur a live man on to win. He doesn’t let the small fry detract him. Dr. Jno. Turner, 1814 N. Charles.”
So be it. Good old Abe! Good old Julius! Good old Walter! Good old Ulysses! But does the doctor lay down the doctrine that all great men make mistakes? For instance, does he say that the Hon. the super-Mahon has ever made a mistake? If so, what was it?
The bright eyes of the Hon. John Walter Smith never looked more startled, nor did the frown of the Hon. Isidor Rayner ever glower more portentously, nor did the pale, yellow smile of the Hon. Sol Warfield ever seem more pale or more yellow than when the Hon. William Jennings Bryan dropped his bombshell into the hall. At once the Maryland delegation proceeded to caucus in the open, with a great emission of heat and eloquence. When the State’s turn came upon the roll call the caucusing was still going on, and so it was not until the very end that its vote was heard. Then the Hon. Arthur Peter mounted a chair and with a great waving of arms proceeded as follows:
Maryland votes 12½ noes for the sole reason [shouts of “What is your vote?”] that she blub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub— [screams, huzzahs and music by the band.]
Thus the Hon. Mr. Peter was engulfed by the turmoil, but soon an assistant secretary, bellowing through a megaphone, bade him proceed anew. He did so, to wit:
Maryland votes 12½ noes for the sole reason [cries of “Who is it?” “What about Maryland?” and “Ain’t them guys voted yet?”] that her delegates are un-blub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub— [Caterwauls, clapper-clawing and music by the band.]
So again the turmoil engulfed the Hon. Mr. Peter, despite his visible frenzy to do his duty, and once more Maryland was forgotten. But suddenly some one on the platform remembered that the State was still to be heard from, and the Hon. Mr. Peter was invited to try again. This time, learning by experience, he avoided explanations and confined himself to the following sententious utterance:
Three ayes, 12½ noes and one-half not voting.
Which was duly spread upon the minutes, to the evident satisfaction of all concerned. But the crowd is still wondering what reason Maryland had as its sole reason for doing whatever it did and didn’t do.
After all, Dr. John Turner is a bit too ready to admit mistakes. Certainly he was within the bounds of the truth, or at least of the probabilities, when he declared that the large intestine was larger than the small intestine.
Meanwhile, them stuffers don’t seem to have their hearts in the general festivity hardly none.
Polite note from an anonymous but valued reader:
Why do you always refer to Colonel Pabst as Col. “Frederick” Pabst? His real name is Gustav.
Sheer carelessness, of course—but what are the odds? Frederick or Gustav—who cares a hoot? What we want is Muenchener!
A hand-painted oil painting of the Hon. McCay McCoy to anyone who can remember a time when the streets of Baltimore were in worse condition than they are today. For example, Baltimore street east of Howard. For example, Eutaw Place.
Posted as missing at the Maritime Exchange:
The Greater Baltimore Committee.
The Baltimore Daily Bulletin.