Baltimore Evening Sun (25 June 1912): 8.
THE OFFICIAL FORECAST. [The Hon. the super-Mahon in his Weekly Paper.] When the showdown comes he  will be unanimously nominated for the Vice-Presidency.
And every hour sees that forecast grow more sagacious. Unless my spies deceive me, the Hon. Mr. Preston is now the most likely of all candidates for the woolsack, saving only the man who runs second for the Presidency. The walking books along Hoffman street are offering 7 to 6 on him, and wise guys are getting down a dollar here and a dollar there. Bryan loves him and Ryan reveres him. If only he could be induced to bury his native modesty and enter into an active canvass for the nomination, he could have it on a silver platter.
Medical note by the Hon. Orison Swett Marden, B. S., L.L. B., M. D., A. M., B. O., eminent rabble-rouser of the New Thought:
There is nothing which will ruin the digestion * * * quicker than worry.
All the same, I make bold to put $2,at even money on a gill of nitric acid.
From the advance sheets of the great speech of auto-nomination:
Forced by his friends. and in violation of his own singular modesty * * * A man whose one dream is to serve his fellow-men, at whatever cost to himself * * One shrinking from the oleaginous caresses of flatterers and the clapper-clawing of the vulgar * * *
The appearance of window boxes and evergreens in the convention decorations, in place of the usual flags and bunting, is very grateful to the eye. Nothing could be more garish and hideous than the orthodox festoons of red, white and blue, and by the same token nothing could be more beautiful than restful greens and gay flowers. The east front of the City Hall sets an example that all local decorators might well follow in future. Instead of flapping and fading bunting there are great masses of foliage--and the more it rains the better that foliage will look.
Along North Charles street the change in taste is pleasantly visible. The vine-clad houses at 915 and 917 are beautifully decorated with window boxes, and the home of Mayor Preston, at Read street, presents an equally attractive appearonce, with large plants in the side yard and pretty petunias in the windows. Directly opposite the Mayor’s house is a building decorated in the old-fashioned manner, with unspeakably gaudy flags and rosettes. A more striking contrast could not be imagined. The one house attracts and holds the spectator’s eye; the other gives him katzenjammer.
Why not let these window boxes remain? The care of them will be easy--and they will make the city pretty and cheerful all summer. Such white buildings as the City Hall and the Courthouse suffer constantly from the lack of green, which should be their setting. Why not keep evergreens on the City Hall portico all the time? The Park Board’s men could take care of them at very slight cost and they would vastly improve the appearance of the stately old hall.
Fifth installment of an interview with the Hon. John Turner. Jr., author of “The Physiology of the Human Body and Hygiene” and head of the super-Mahonic Medical Department, written in a fair, round hand by the good doctor himself:
“Doctor, do you consider that your ‘Phystology’ contains any mistakes?”
“Yes. It is full of mistakes. To be candid, though, many of these grammatical errors and dull mistakes occurred because I rushed the printer, who was also inexperienced and knew nothing about medical terms. It was the Sun Job Printing Co., and I think about their first book to come from their press. They were as green as a Va. cabbage and slow.
“At that time I was connected with the University of Md., as Prosector of Anatomy, and had the largest Quiz classes ever held there. The idea (and it proved to be a good one, for I sold the books C O. D.) was to get my work published before the students came for matriculation in the fall. Hence the rush, and, too, naturally many mistakes.”
“Why, Doctor, didn’t you revise it when you published 2,000 more?”
“I was afraid to change any fault. It sold, mistakes and all. That satisfied me.”
The sedulous curry-combing of the incomparable Hot Towel:
Mayor Preston * * * is a courageous and bold man who has had a deep and varied experience in the science of government, a comprehensive knowledge of the law, freedom from political charlatanism, a wonderful capacity for work, a devotion to duty and a heart that beats for the masses.
The estimable Democratic Telegram’s decision that the Hon. Jacobus Hook is “the largest wholesale tallow operator in the city” is being hotly contested by the partisans of other virtuosi. Up to 11.45 A. M. today I had received 17 letters declaring for the Hon. Public Man Biggs, 22 nominating the Hon. McCay McCoy and nearly 40 in favor of Geheimrat-Obermedizinalrati Prof. Dr. Turner. Also there were innumerable votes for the anonymous but ecstatic oleaginist of the incomparable Hot Towel.
Disconcerting note from an anonymous reader:
In today’s Evening Sun paper you address the suffragettes as “Dear ladies.” On what ground do you use that term?
On the treacherous, wabbly ground of carelessness, stupidity, imbecility, mere liquorish clumsiness. To call a suffragette a lady is to apply an epithet of disparagement and disdain to a thoughtful, independent and courageous woman. Accordingly I withdraw it, apologize sincerely and promise to sin no more. I am not one to seek the enmity of the suffragettes. Far from it, indeed! On the contrary, I have a tremendous respect for them, particularly as gladiators, and live in the one hope that they will never have at me with their musketoons. If ever they take the trail against me, I shall gallop for the tall timber with the speed of a frightened. gazelle.
New novels that offer civilized entertainment:
“A Candidate for Truth,” by J. D. Beresford.
“The Brute,” by F. A. Kummer.
Current serious books that do not insult the intelligence:
“Applied Socialism,” by John Spargo. “The Younger Nietzche,” by Elisaneth Foerster-Nietzsche.
One week the Democratic Telegram insists that the super-Mahon is all heart and the next week it declares that he is all brain. But there are those who suspect, after reading his weekly editorials on the Hon. William H. Anderson, that there must also be room in him for a few crowded globules.of bile.
Read the Hot Towel and enjoy a harmless guffaw.--Adv.