Baltimore Evening Sun (24 January 1912): 8.
THE OFFICIAL FORECAST. [The Hon. the super-Mahon in his weekly paper:] When the showdown comes he [I] will be unanimously nominated for Vice-President.
I am requested by the Hon. Edward Hirsch, chairman of the subcommittee on drinking facilities of the Municipal Democratic Convention Committee, to give circulation to the following memorandum:
In 74 of the public drinking places in the convention area the method of payment is for the bartender to give the customer a check and for the customer to pay that check at a cashier’s desk. It is sincerely to be hoped that the custom of eating such checks, as a device for avoiding payment, will not be practiced by persons patronizing the bars during convention week. As a measure of reasonable protection the owners of all drinking places have been authorized to issue a standard check impregnated with rosin and nux vomica. Any attempt to eat this check is certain to be followed by severe colic and malaise. It is, however, harmless when not actually eaten and will neither stain the hands nor cause eczema.
According to the Hot Towel (or any any rate, according to its evening edition, the Serviette), the Hon. Roger C. Sullivan, of Illinois, is a leader among the great statesmen who advocate the nomination of the Hon. the super-Mahon, that fevered and panting candidate for the Vice-Presidency. This is what the Hon. William Jennings Bryan said of the Hon. Mr. Sullivan on July 17, 1906:
He holds his office by a fraud and against the express wishes of a majority of the delegates to the State convention. * * * It is impossible for honest Democrats to associate with him as a member of the [Democratic National] Committee * * * I would be unworthy of anyone’s confidence if I failed to protest against his continuance on the committee, either to conciliate him or out of fear of his hostility * * * He was one of the leaders in the high crimes and misdemeanors committed against the Deocracy of Illinois * * *
Fourth installment of Dr. John Turner’s subtle and sagacious interview with himself:
“Dr. Turner, your ‘Physiology’ has been a big success. Tell me, to what do you attribute this success?” “Why, I suppose, first, to the fact that I did not expect to set the world on fire with it. I wrote it primarily for my Quiz men—not for the public. Secondly, I did my best with the work. The publishers, too, especially Dr. Guy Carleton Lee, then literary Editor of The Sun, helped to sell the book by their favorable and frequent criticisms. “I recall one little incident which occurred in one of the big clubs here. My reference to the ‘levity of birds’ brought forth a storm of criticism from the highbrows, which sold me over 200 Physiologies at $3 each within a few days. Prof. James Bright of the Johns Hopkins finally said the word ‘levity’ was correctly used. At once my sales eased up. Queer world!” [Continued tomorrow.]
Betting odds in the Eutaw street poker rooms, as reported by the police:
Even money that Harry rams himself down their throats. 2 to 1 that the cheers for him in the convention hall are louder than the cheers for Bryan.
Dan Loden is offering 2 to 1 that the convention will nominate Harry unanimously, and even money that it will do even better.—Adv.
From the advance sheets of the Hon. the super-Mahon’s great speech of auto-nomination: The greatest Mayor any American city has had in 200 years * * * The man who paved Baltimore, built the sewerage system, invented the deviled crab and dug the Patapsco river * * * One of the three most sagacious human beings now at large in Christendom * * * Suave, genial, exquisite in manner * * * A master of etiquette in all its branches * * *
From the estimable Democratic Telegram’s convention tribute to the Hon. Jacobus Hook:
He is one of the largest wholesale * * * tallow operators in the city.
A delicate and even poetical reference to the Hon. Mr. Hook’s assiduous lubrication of the Hon. the super-Mahon.
Contributions to the dictionary of manias and phobias:
Vansickleophobia, or the fear of examinations. Coldfeetophobia, or the fear that Harry will tighten up before the bar’l is empty.
Comforting reverie of the editor of the estimable Maryland Suffrage News:
All that is necessary in order to force the delegates to pass a woman suffrage bill is to get about 27,950 voters pledged to support suffragist candidates. We have already in the State of Maryland about 4,000 avowed suffragists. This would mean that each suffragist would have only to get seven or eight voters pledged to support only suffrage candidates in order to send at least three-fifths of the delegates to the General Assembly pledged to support the Suffrage bill. This should be an easy piece of work.
Well, well, it must be. But the Hon. William H. Anderson, dear ladies, can tell you something, I believe, about the startling dissimilarity that sometimes separates the dream from the business. Andin a week or so, perhaps, the Hon. the super-Mahon will be able to tell you more.
Come on, Colonel Pabst! Turn on your Muenchener! A seidel deferred maketh the heart sick.
Well-meant but inept headline in the sedulous Hot Towel:
MAYOR ON THE THIRD BALLOT.
Third ballot, your grandmother! No ballot at all will be taken. At the first mention of that historic name, at the first sight of that lovely form, the delegates will rear upon their hind legs, lay back their heads, throw open their mouths—and nominate him with a scream so piercing, an enthusism so staggering, that the music of the band will sound like the puny squeak of an infant devoured by lions.
Viva voce, b’gosh!—and with the vivacity laid on with a shovel and the vociferousness at a pressure of 3,000 atmospheres.
The Hon. the super-Mahon in today’s Towel:
He has [I have] done more for the city than any other Mayor.
And not only for the city, but also for Honest Bob Padgett, Dr. John Turner, the old-fashioned school marms, the Towel itself and the Calvert Bank.
The Hon. William H. Anderson will be in the gallery—and he’ll have his fingers crossed!
Boil your drinking water! Cover the garbage can! Yell for Harry! Swat the fly!
And if, by any honest oversight or native scoundrelism, the Democrats fail to nominate Harry unanimously, then let us all hope, at least, that they will stop short of not nominating him unanimously.
Meanwhile, there would seem to be an irreconcilable conflict between hospitality and the Vice Crusade.