Baltimore Evening Sun (14 June 1912): 6.

THE FREE LANCE

Well, well, where are all of those brave fellows who have been denouncing the Hon. William H. Anderson as a fraud? Where are the kaif-keepers who have accused him of working local option for the money that he gets out of it? Here is a chance to test his good faith, and, if that faith proves soft, to rob the local optionists of their chief rabble-rouser, an admittedly potent and unscotchable fellow, and to bring his talents to the side of alcohol–and yet the money comes in as slow as taxes! So far, indeed, only $1,0002.50 is in hand, as follows:

Previously acknowledged.........$1,001.00
Ed. Hirsch................................. .50
The Saturday Night Club.......... 1.00
-------------------- $1,002.50

Come, gentlemen, send in your money. We must have at least $15,000 a year for 5 years, or $75,000 in all. If the Hon. Mr. Anderson refuses the bribe, if he turns out to be a genuine local optionist and not a mere hired bravo, then you get every cent of your subscription back. Colonel Hook, treasurer of the fund, is charging nothing for taking care of it and there are no other expenses. Why delay? If you believe that the Hon. Mr. Anderson is a fake, as you have so often charged, why not.help put it to the test? Suppose he takes the money? Well, let him take it--and thrice welcome! It will be worth a good deal more than $15,000 a year to the drinking men of Maryland to have him for them instead of ag’in them.

NOTICE

A mass meeting of smokers to protest against the United Railways’ unlawful prohibition of smoking on its pay-as-you-enter cars will be held at the Fifth Regiment Armory, Tuesday evening, July 2, at 8 P. M. The Hon. Edward Gross, member of the City Council from the Eighteenth ward, will preside, and addresses will be made by members of the bar and other leading citizens. The doors will open at 7.30 and them will be a promenade concert before the meeting, with a dance afterward. The Marine Band of Washington will be in attendance. Galleries reserved for lady smokers. Silver collection at the door.

Ten thousand dollars reward for the name and address of any man, not a jobholder or palpably insane, who believes that the Hon. Mr. Taft’s renomination is favored by more than 33?? per cent. of the Republicans of the United States. The same sum to any man who will say, on his word of honor, that he doubts that the Hon. Mr. Roosevelt would be nominated at an honest, nation-wide primary by a vote of 2 to 1.

From the estimable Hot Towel of June 13, 1912:

Referring to the Mayor in the highest complimentary terms, scores of letters are being received daily at the City Hall from southern Democrats, who invariably promise to do their utmost in giving to Maryland the second place on the national ticket. * * * All evidences point to a great demonstration when the name of James H. Preston is suggested.

From the estimable Hot Towel of October 2, 1911:

Dr. Munyon’s visit to Baltimore is winning great success, judged. by the crowds that have called to meet the noted health expert. * * * The demand for his Paw Paw tonic is truly surprising.

Extract from a note by the Hon. H. L. Meneken, reviling the Old-Fashioned School Board for its assaults upon the vulgate: The fact * * * was, after all, a mere error * * *

Let this teach us, brethren, the virtue of humility, and make us bear in mind the ancient adage that glass houses need no accuser.

Current attractions in the plaza de toros:

Anderson vs. the super-Mahon. Liberty vs. the United Railways. The super-Mahon vs. a licentious press. Anderson vs. Der Deutsche Correspondent.

The following combats have been concluded:

Hook vs. Toner. Boardman vs. Virtue.

In the first-named, Hook defeated Toner on points. In the second-named, Virtue won by a foul. Boardman has protested the decision and a return bout is talked of.

From the advance sheets of the great speech of auto-nomination:

A man of powerful brain, enormous heart and heroic courage. * * * The greatest banker since the Bardi and Peruzzi. * * * Master of a fluent, ornate and penetrating style in two languages. * * * The prose Louis Michel. * * *

Cadavers in the custody of the State Anatomy Board:

The See-America-First convention. The Canton Hollow tunnel. The bridge over the Chesapeake. The masameeting of booming school children. The Susquehanna waterworks.

Prof. Boardman’s injuries, it turns out, are not as serious as at first reported. Half a dozen stitches sufficed to close the wounds caused by split infinitives, and the pleonasm which struck him in the head, though a very tough one, caused only a large lump. In addition, he sprained his ankle by stepping on a triple.negative and was slightly bruised by flying fragments of tenses. Fortunately enough, a number of formidable I-seens, launched at him by one of the learned commissioners, passed over his head and were buried in the wall.

Judge. n., a man who agrees to listen to balderdash five hours a day in return for freedom from toil.

Meanwhile, every humane man will hope that the Hon. Aristides Sophocles Goldsborough’s management of the Hon. the super-Mahon’s campaign for the Vice-Presidency will be at least as profitablw to the super-Mahon as the same gentleman’s management of the Mayoralty campaign of the Hon. J. Barry Mahool.

Plays lately printed worth reading:

I have to acknowledge the receipt of three boxes of safety, matches bearing the legend, “Nominate and Vote for James H. Preston for Vice-President”—the gift of the Hon. Jacobus Hook. Unluckily, I am not a delegate to the Democratic convention and so can’t assist in the nomination of the Hon. Mr. Preston, save spiritually and from afar, but it will be a joy unspeakable to vote for him after he is nominated. Meanwhile, I hope to use some of the matches to light a fire under Professor Boardman.