Baltimore Evening Sun (19 January 1912): 6.
Treasonable remark of the estimable Democratic Telegram:
That good luck has perched upon the ramparts of our city is due directly and almost entirely to the efforts of Mr. Crain.
But see how such treacheries bring their own punishment. In the very same issue the Democratic Telegram announces sadly that it is soon to give up the ghost. Sic semper perfidis!
Them stuffers won’t never be skeered of no election laws no more, nor nobody never ain’t who has ever went up against them.
The following bill has been prepared by learned counsel and will be introduced in the Legislautue, as soon as some legislator eager to get his name into the papers by introducing it can be found by my 'Annapolis agents:
AN ACT requiring publicity and fixing personal responsibility in moral and other crusades. Be it enacted by the General Assembly of Maryland, That the president and secretary of every corporation or other society in Maryland, incorporated, chartered or otherwise organized for the purpose, either wholly or in part, of forwarding any moral or social propaganda, either by word of mouth or by written or published documents, or for the purpose of advocating, procuring or opposing in any manner any change or changes in the statutes of the United States or to the laws of Maryland or in the ordinances of the Mayor and City Council of Baltimore, shall file with the Secretary of State, between January 1 and January 10 of each year, a complete list of all the persons who were officers or members of the said corporation or society during the calendar year next preceding the said January 1, or during any portion thereof, and a complete list of all the persons who contribrited to the funds of the said corporation or society during the said period, together with the amount contributed by each. And be it further enacted, That any president or secretary neglecting or refusing to make the reports required by the foregoing section shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, and shall pay a fine of not less than $100 and not more than $500, the said fine to be collected as other fines are collected. And be it further enacted, That this act shall take effect from the date of its passage.
Affecting specimen of English from a circular issued by the Teacher’s “Literary” Club of Baltimore:
There has not been in this generation another artist who could make up a list of songs like Kitty Cheatham’s programs contain * * *
Are we are to assume that these “literary” schoolmarms are teaching their young osseocaputs that the use of “like” in that sentence is correct?
If Harry never done nothing else but cut out that grammar bunk out of the schools, then I would be for him anyhow. No grammar never made no money for nobody.
A want-ad lately appearing in the Journal of the American Medical Association:
WANTED—Salaried assistant physician in infectious disease hospital; particulars first letter and date on which you can report for duty. Apply Sydenham Hospital, Baltimore, Md.
What! Can it be that there is no political doctor in Baltimore fit for this job? Can’t the Hon. Bill Garland find a candidate—some fellow who has proved his science by getting out the vote on primary day? And if not Bill, what about the Hon. George Lewis? And if not George, what about Jim? Are we to seek abroad for some vansicklish foreigner when there are scores of medical ward-workers begging for jobs at home? Is the old invasion of unpolitical Goths and Vandals to be resumed? Sound the alarrum! Arouse the watch!
A set of false teeth to any Baltimorean, not obviously insane, who believes that the Hon. Jake Hook believes that the merit system would force him to employ niggero clerks in the Tax Department.
Only 71 days more of the Legislature! Hooray! Hooray!
Interesting specimen of E flat journalese from a morning paper:
The steamer was delayed about several hours.
Add “about several” to the repertoire. A palpable improvement upon “approximately some.”
Boil your drinking water! Do our darndest for the Hon. Young Cleveland! Cover your garbage can! Hide your bonds from the tax-Mahon! Send a wreath of immortelles to the boomers! Swat the fly!
The more you think of that last Grand Jury, the more vou feel like you ought to bust out laffin.
Question respectfully addressed to the Hon. Henry A. McMains, D. O., press agent of the League for Medical “Freedom,” Maryland Branch:
Is it or is it not a fact that the League for Medical “Freedom,” Maryland Branch, admits to membership, in good standing, persons who make their living, or part of their living, by pretending to sick and credulous folks that they can cure cancer, tuberculosis and other such serious diseases by reading out of a book or by other such preposterous sorceries and mountebankeries, in violation of Article 43, Section 101, of the Code of Public General Laws of Maryland?
From an editorial in the Philadelphia Press on certain recent ballyhoing:
But Mayor Preston is not generally known to the country.
Alas, what innocent merriment the country is missing!
For Secretary of State in the super-Mahonic cabinet:
The Right Hon. Berney Lee.
For Commissioner General of Public Education:
The Hon. Henry Joesting, Jr.
For Ambassador of the United States in the Court of St. James:
The Hon. George Lewis.
The Sunpaper now announces with great solemnity that the See-America-First convention of the boomers “will not be held in May.” Alas, the news is stale. I printed it at least two months ago, and what is more, I certified to its truth by offering to post a forfeit of $1,000,000 cash. That offer is still open.
Friendly tips for the Maryland Anti-Vivisection Society, the virtuous, the vivacious:
At Bayview, last Saturday night, 650 paupers were drenched from head to foot with oxide of hydrogen and then subjected to painful vivisection with Turkish towels. No anesthetic was used. Of the 720 paupers subjected to the same barbarous treatment between January 1 and January 31, 1911, 62 have since died. In every case delirium tremens has been falsely given as the cause of exitus.
Hell hath no furies like a fake nailed to the barndoor.