Baltimore Evening Sun (16 December 1911): 6.

Only 1,249 days more! But time enough to hoist the water rents another notch!

Boil your drinking water! Cover your garbage can! Watch the City Council waste your money!

If I didn’t run no more chant of goin’ to the coop than them stuffers, then you wouldn’t hear nothing about me settin’ up no nights worryin’ none.

Proposal for a Sunday law that a might help to civilize Baltimore without violating any principle of morals:

AN ACT to repeal Sections 384, 385 and 386 of Article 27 of the Code of Public General Laws, entitled “Crimes and Punishments,” sub-title “Sabbath Breaking,” and to re-enact the same with amendments.

Be it enacted by the General Assembly of Maryland, That Sections 384, 385 and 386 of Article 27 of the Code of Public General Laws, entitled “Crimes and Punishments,” sub-title “Sabbath Breaking,” be and the same are hereby repealed and re-enacted so as to read as follows:

384. No person whatsoever shall work or do any bodily labor on the day commonly called Sunday, and no person having children, servants or employes of any sort shall command or wittingly or willingly suffer any of them to do any manner of work or labor on Sunday; saving only such work or labor as is directly connected with and necessary to the conduct of religious service, the transportation of passengers by common carrier, the sale by retail of drugs, medicines and perishable food, the proper and customary protection of life, health and property, the ripair of damages caused by fire, flood or other act of God, the preparation of food for the table, the care of lodgings or the conduct and management of any of the public sports or pastimes described and permitted by the two portions next following; and every person transgressing this section and being thereof convicted before a justice of the peace or by a petit jury shall be fined a sum not less than five dollars and not more than one hun169dred dollars for each and every offense.

385. No person whatsoever shall keep open or use any dancing saloon, opera house, theatre, tenpin alley, moving-picture parlor, lecture hall or concert hall on the day commonly called Sunday, either for hire or otherwise, save between the hours of half-past one o’clock, post meridien, and five o’clock, post meridien, provided that nothing in this section shall be construed as prohibiting the opening, without charge for admission, of any public library, art gallery, zoological garden or other institution for public instruction at any or all hours on Sunday; and every person trangressing this section and being thereof convicted before a justice of the peace or by a jury shall be fined a sum not less than one hundred dollars and not more than one thousand dollars for each and every offense.

386. No person whatsoever shall conduct, manage or participate in any baseball match, tenpin match, football match, running race, bicycle race, horse race, automobile race, billiard match, pool match, trial of strength, boxing match, wrestling match, shooting match, tennis match, game of golf, cricket match or other game or sport, of whatever chara169cter and whether for hire or gratuitously, on the day commonly called Sunday, save between the hours of half-past one o’clock, post meridien, and seven o’clock post meridien; provided, that no such right shall be exercised within the said hours in any incorporated city or town save by the written consent of the Mayor thereof, to be granted or refused in his judgment and at his will without appeal, and provided that no such right shall be exercised within the said hours in any county without the written consent of the County Commissioners thereat, or the majority of them, to be granted or refused in their judgment and at their will without appeal; and every person transgressing this section and being convicted before a justice of the peace or by a jury shall be fined a sum not less than fifty dollars nor more than five hundred dollars.

The betting odds in the downtown kaifs, as my todsaeufer reports them:

20 to 1 that the scheme of them boomers to bounce Harry Preston will get the hook in the Legislature. 30 to 1 that Harry Nice gets some soft job.

The following cheerful note comes from a Baltimore physician:

I counted 60 proofs of violations of the Anti-Spitting ordinance on the sidewalk of the Baltimore Savings Bank, at Baltimore and Charles streets, one evening last week. No wonder we had 1,365 deaths from tuberculosis lost year!

Another woodpecker! Another scoundrelly marplot! Let the Committee on Bogus Statistics look to his case at once. If such scandalmongers are permitted to go at large in Baltimore, what will become of the boom?

A man might almost say in Baltimore it’s almost more safer to go to work and stuff a ballot box than what it is not to do it.

From the Evening Sunpaper’s learned report of the City Wide Congress:

City Collector Jacob Hook at first voted against the report and then went to the desk of Secretary Horace E. Flack and asked that his vote be changed.

Still nimble, still elastic, still our favorite psychic acrobat!

In three weeks the Legislature will again tackle the gay business of distributing jobs to ward heelers and bums. Laugh, suckers, laugh!

Amusing diversion for a gloomy winter afternoon:

Approach one of the damsels who collect funds for the Salvation Army and offer her a dollar a day to work in your kitchen.

One of the causes of Baltimore’s high death rate: Maryland cooking.

From the annual report of the Animal Refuge Association:

We do not believe that a poor man should be debarred from keeping a horse (or a dog) just because he is poor.

Nor even, it would appear, from the right to overwork it and starve it, and so provide fresh and affecting grist for the association’s mill. But supposing this right to be granted and its consequences to be provided for by the humane, will the ultimate effect upon horses, taking them in the mass, be a decrease of suffering or an increase?

The Public Service Commission costs the State of Maryland more than $1,000 a week, of which Baltimore pays about $800. Two of the Commissioners, who get $3,000 a year apiece, are lawyers. To advise them there is another lawyer, at $2,500. To advise that other lawyer there is still another lawyer, at $2,250. Laugh, suckers, laugh!

Four good five-cent cigars to the Hon. Henry M. McMains for each and every name of an allopathic physician who belongs to the League for Medical “Freedom,” Malryland Branch. Three good cigars for each and every name of a homeopath. Two good cigars for each and every name of a Christian Scientist. One good cigar for each and every name of a pill manufacturer. Let us by all means hear the names of the altruists who are going to save us.

Tips for the Maryland Anti-Vivisection Society, the virtuous, the vivacious:

If all the dachshunds murdered at the Johns Hopkins Medical School since January 1, 1900, were tied tail to tail, they would make a rope 412 miles long. Two hundred babies at the Nursery and Child’s Hospital were bathed yesterday.