Baltimore Evening Sun (9 December 1911): 6.

The taxable basis of Baltimore constitutes 58 per cent. of the taxable basis of the whole State of Maryland, but Baltimore pays 78 per cent. of the State taxes. Laugh, suckers, laugh!

The whole art of boomery, in three short lessons:

Lesson I.--Find a town that is not already sick of booms.

Lesson II.--Convince it that booming won’t do it no harm.

Lesson III.–Boom it.

Baltimore City, with a population of 558,485, seeds 4 Senators to the State Senate, or 1 to every 140,000 of population. The counties, with a population at 735,965, send 23, or 1 to every 32,000. Laugh, suckers, laugh!

Apropos of nothing, why doesn’t some psychotherapist in hard luck try his hand as a psychoembalmer?

Of the $5,000,000-odd that it costs to pay off the jobholders of the State of Maryland every year, the taxpayers of Baltimore supply more than $4,000,000. Nine-tenths of the jobs go to countrymen. Laugh, suckers, laugh!

Boil your drinking water! Don’t delay! Next year it will be too costly to boil!

One-fourth of the inhabitauts of Maryland elect a majority of the members of the Legislature. That majority determines how much taxes the remaining three-fourths shall pay. Laugh, suckers, laugh!

Ultimate of the connoisseurs of immorality to the Hon. Mikall Mordkin, the bare-shinned dancer:

Put on your breeches–or die the death!

Of the 1,294,450 inhabitants of Maryland, more than 1,000,000 live in Baltimore city or in the four rich counties of Baltimore, Washington, Allegany and Frederick. They pay between 90 and 95 per cent. of the total cost of running the State--but have less than half of the total votes in the Legislature. Laugh, suckers, laugh!

From an argument against the proposed new city charter in the current issue of the esteemed Democratic Telegram: The result (of the Charter Commission’s deliberation] was a document * * * entirely at variance with the form of popular government which we have always had in Baltimore.

The highest praise, perhaps, that has ever been bestowed upon the work of the learned commissioners.

Every year Baltimore is robbed of $1,100,000 by the unjust tax laws of Maryland. That sum, if paid into the city treasury, would reduce the tax rate 34 cents. Laugh, suckers, laugh!

Contributions toward a handbook of the dogmas and doctrines of baltimorality:

1. Any man who essays to correct public evils by publicly discussing them is a traitor and a scoundrel and will go to h----l when he dies.

2. Any man who proposes to give a public concert on the Sabbath day, save for the purpose of sending a militia regiment on a frolic or for some other such lofty and humane cause, is an atheist and a scoundrel and will go to h----l when he dies.

Every time the Legislature meets political jobholders who do no work whatever get away with $100.000. The taxpayers of Baltimore pay 78 per cent. of it. Laugh, suckers, laugh!

If you live in Baltimore your chances of dying of typhoid are twice as great as if you lived in New York and four times as great as if you lived in Chicago. Laugh, suckers, laugh!

The City Council costs the taxpayers of Baltimore $80,000 a year. Its one permanent object is to find jobs for ward heelers. One intelligent man, at $5,000 a year, could do its work four times an well. Laugh, suckers, laugh!

Down goes the tax rate! Oh, say, can you see ----! Up goes the death rate!–by the dawn’s early light!

The Public Service Commission costs the State of Maryland more than $1,000 a week. The share of the taxpayers of Baltimore is $780 a week. Laugh, suckers, laugh!

Two good five-cent cigars to the Hon. Henry J. McMains for each and every name of an allopath in good standing who belongs to the Maryland Branch of the League for Medical “Freedom.”

At every election for members of the House of Delegates one vote of a country darky is worth 2½ votes of a city white men. Laugh, suckers, laugh!

At every election of State Senators, one vote of a country darky is worth 3½ votes of a city white man. Laugh, suckers, laugh!

The death rate in Baltimore is now the highest of any first-class city in Christendom. Next year, perhaps, the tax rate, too. Laugh, suckers, laugh!

The City Council costs us $80,000 a year. A hand-painted oil painting to anyone who will come forward with sound proof that it is worth 80,000 cents.

Baltimore has three Police Commissioners, at $2,500 a year each. One man could do their work just as well. Laugh, suckers, laugh!

Baltimore has one man to collect taxes, another to collect market fees, another to collect water rents. One man might do it all. Laugh. suckers, laugh!

The Baltimorean who owns a 13-foot house worth $1,000 will find his tax bill next year 90 cents less than this year. He will also find his water bill $1.50 more. His net loss will be 60 cents. Laugh, little suckers, laugh!

The Baltimorean who owns a 30-foot house worth $10,000 will find his tax bill next year $9 less than this year. His water bill will be but $6.50 more. His net gain will be $2.50. Laugh, little suckers, laugh!