Baltimore Evening Sun (2 December 1911): 6.

The lesson for the day is from Article 43, Section 101, of the Public General Laws of Maryland.

Some bravos attack the independent newspapers with dynamite and others employ the osseous weapon of Samson. Both, in the end, come to grief.

It don’t seem hardly likely no one won’t never be bothered about them indictments no more.

Down goes the tax rate! Tra-la-lah! Tra-la-lah! Up go assessments! Tra-la-loo! Tra-la-loo!

The betting odds in the downtown kaifs as my copper-lined spies report them:

10 to 1 that the new charter of the boomers won’t never be heard of again. 1 to 20 that Harry Nice will get a good job. 40 to 1 that them ballot-box stuffers won’t never be tried before January 1.

All success to the Hon. Norman M. Parrott and his effort to re-establish the Christmas Eve carnival in Baltimore! What this dull old town needs is just such a public merrymaking now and then. It infallibly loosens the ligaments; it fills the lungs with air; it cleans and stimulates the mind. The Puritan doctrine that joy is sinful, that it is indecent to be carefree and happy, has lingered among us too long. It is still visible in our Blue Laws, in our cruel Sunday, in our occasional outbursts of ridiculous play-censoring, in our childish reverence for the police. Well, let us do whatever we can to get rid of it. Let us live down our old reputation for stupid prudery. Let us arise gaily and shake a leg. Let us have a carnival worth while, with bands playing, confetti in the air and the boys and girls skylarking. Let us prove to all the world that we are really more human than we seem.

Much gabble about Baltimore hospitality appears in the local nevspapers. It is also the favorite topic of those prominent Baltimoreans who arise liquorishly at public banquets and woo the ear with balderdash. Out-of-town guests have to submit; etiquette forbids them to protest. But what is the truth? What sort of reputation does Baltimore bear throughout the country? The reputation of an amiable, a sociable, a hospitable town? Not at all. Its actual reputation is that of the dullest and most frigid town on the map--saving, perhaps, only Philadelphia and Boston. A drummer who once spends a Sunday in our anæsthetic midst always leaves thereafter on Saturday afternoon. And a stranger who reads about Lexington Market and then eats in certain Baltimore hotels--well, that stranger makes a swift gain in wisdom and sorrow.

The trouble, of course, is that our people stick at home too much. If they were a bit more gay and sociable, in the larger sense; if they took to the cafes like the people of Chicago, New Orleans and St. Louis, or to the restaurants and hotels like the people of New York--then those cafes and restaurants and hotels would increase in number, in authenticity and in attractiveness. But the Baltimorean clings to his hearth. He believes with religious faith that Maryland cooking is the best in world and that strangers from near and far come here to wallow in it, but he doesn’t know that there are not six places in Baltimore where a stranger can get a decent Maryland biscuit and not three where he can get cornbread.

Now it is clear that in a town where the natives are dull the stranger is bound to find it dull. Munich is gemuetlich, simply because the Muenchener himself is gemuetlich. New Orleans is a town of good eating, because the New Orleanian himself enjoys and demands good eating. San Francisco is gay, because the San Franciscan himself has gaiety in his blood. Boston is chilly, because the Bostonian is a prig. Philadelphia is stupid, because the Philadelphian is a sort of extra-virtuous Baltimorean.

Well, what is the lesson for Baltimore? It’s plain enough. If we want to attract strangers to our town, if we want them to come here with a feeling that a good time is ahead, than we must shake off our yoke of old-maldish primness and prudery. Let us have a carnival every now and then--the bumptious police to the contrary notwithstanding. Let us abandon the superstition that a visit to some decent cafe in the evening to hear the music and meet our friends is the first step on the road to perdition. Let us repeal the doctrine that the performance of a Beethoven symphony on a Sunday afternoon would cause an increase of murders and burglaries. Let us give over forever the idle business of sending police sergeants snooping into theatres to edit the amusements of civilized human belngs. Let us, in brief, put away the idea of sin and try to enjoy life as we find it.

All success to the Hon. Mr. Parrott! The police will oppose him, the connoisseurs of immorality will oppose him–and very few of the boomers will help him. But if he establishes a first-class Christmas carnival and makes it popular he will have accomplished more of real good for Baltimore than all the police and connoisseurs and boomers taken together and multiplied by plus infinity.

Psychotherapy is the pons asinorum between patent medicines and the death certificate.

Which suggests the notion that the day must be a bitter one for those local labor leaders who bawled so lustily that the McNamaras were innocent martyrs and that all who held otherwise were scoundrels.

Proposed amendment to the Constitution of Maryland:

Section 3a. No person holding any office of trust or profit under the United States, or under the State of Maryland or under any city, incorporated town or county of Maryland, shall be entitled to vote in any State, county or municipal election, nor shall he serve as a judge, clerk or other officer of election at any such election. This disfranchisement shall continue during the whole term of his service in any such office of trust or profit, and for a period of five years next succeeding his relinquishment of such office. Any person voting or attempting to vote in violation of this section shall, on conviction in a court of law, and in addition to whatever penalty or penalties shall be imposed by law, be forever disqualified to hold say office of profit or trust in Maryland, or to vote at any election thereafter.

Confidential remark by the Hon. “Jake” Hook, boomer and banqueter:

The people invite me because they like me. * * * They know that in any movement that is assigned to promote the interests of this great city of ours I am found in the forefront.

In the forefront, to be sure–and going both ways!

Boil your drinking water! Watch the City Council perform! Dodge the tax assessor! Do your Christmas shopping early!