Baltimore Evening Sun (22 November 1911): 6.

Only 1,273 days more! But a day on deck is better than a thousand!

The hard days work of an Old-Fashioned Mayor:

• 10 A. M.—Arrive at City Hall.
• 10.01—Begins opening a mail composed of 22 invitations to bad dinners, 65 kicks about dirty alleys and 842 applications for jobs.
• 10.15—Receives the Hon. William O’Conor.
• 10.25—Exit William; enter the Hon. Robert J. Padgett.
• 10.32—Exit Robert; enter the Hon. Daniel J. Loden.
• 10.48—Exit Dan; enter the Hon. Jim Lewis.
• 11.02—Exit Jim; enter the Hon. George Lewis.
• 11.12—Exit George; enter the Hon. Carroll Rasin.
• 11.18—Exit Carroll; re-enter the Hon. William F. O’Conor.
• 11.30—Exit William; enter the Hon. Bernard J. Lee.
• 11.38—Exit Bernard; enter the Hon. George L. Durm.
• 11. 46—Exit George; enter the Hon. Jack Flynn.
• 11.58—Exit Jack; enter the Hon. Marty Healy. 12 M.—Exit Marty: re-enter the Hon. William F. O’Conor.
• 12.20 P. M.—Exit William; enter the Hon. George Trautfelter.
• 12.32—Exit George; re-enter William.
• 12.45—Exit William; enter the Hon. Francis P. Curtis.
• 12.52—Exit Francis; enter Llewellyn, J.
• 12.59—Exit Llewellyn, J.; enter the Hon. Isaac Frank.
• 1.04—Exit Isaac; enter the Hon. George Konig.
• 1.15—Exit George.
• 1.16-1.50—Hiatus for lunch.
• 1.51—Enter the Hon. William F. O’Conor.
• 2.06—Exit William; enter the Hon. Dr. Heller.
• 2.12—Exit the Hon. Dr.; enter the Hon. William J. Garland.
• 2.19—Exit William; enter the Hon. Timothy O. Heatwole.
• 2.24—Exit Tim; enter the Hon. Samuel West.
• 2 31—Exit Sam; re-enter the Hon. Daniel J. Loden.
• 2.32—Exit Dan; re-enter the Hon. William F. O’Conor.
• 2.50—Exit William; enter the Hon. Messrs. Spencer and Rapp.
• 2.54—Exit the Hon. Messrs.; enter the Hon. George Lewis.
• 2.59—Exit George; re-enter the Hon. William F. O’Conor.
• 3—End of the day’s work, the Hon. William F. O’Conor still on the job.

Remarks by the Hon. Henry M. McMains, corresponding secretary of the Maryland Branch of the League for Medical Freedom:

The objection of the Owen’s Bill is not confined to any school. Vast power are proposed to be given. The health department would notify the vital statistics to meet adverse criticism.

Let us hope that the Hon. Mr. McMains’ command of medical facts is appreciably more fluent and secure than his apparent command of the English language.

In this place yesterday I printed the following Black Hand notice:

My spies have just brought me a list of the Prominent Baltomoreans who were willing to serve on the Citizens’ Relief Committee, but didn’t get the chance. Unless I receive a bribe of $1 by 1 P. M. tomorrow, I shall print the list.

Before noon today I received 54 dollar bills by mail and courier. My list showed but 36 names. Evidently my spies overlooked 18.

The Hon. Alexander Geddes, poet laureate of the Old-Fashioned Administration, favors me with the following song, which he entities very appropriately “The Man of the Hour”:

The Man of the hour in our City Hall,
Where the high and the low may come to call,
Is there with The Goods in every way,
For Democrat and Republican for fair play.

For Alladin with his lamp so true,
Astonished all within his view,
So this Good Mayor we have today,
Will always lead us on our way.

No flowers does he need to show>
His worthiness where’er he go,
His deeds are written in his face,
A man of beauty and of grace.

We need a municipal hymn. “Take Me Back, Back, Back to Baltimore” is ribald, inelegant, profane. Why not this one? Let it be spread upon the minutes of the Narrenhaus at once and taught to the little osseocaputs in the rescued public schools!

More tips for the Maryland Anti-Vivisection Society:

Sir Almroth Wright, the great English pathologist, has just published a signed confession that the new typhoid vaccine will not cure warts. At Bayview Asylum, between October 1 and November 15, 86,450 roaches were murdered with mallets.

Boil your drinking water! Send your money to the boomers! Watch the Narrenhaus!

From the Sunpaper’s report of recent proceedings in the Narrenhaus:

During the hearing Councilman Heintzeman contended that the ordinance was usconstitutional, but his colleagues disagreed with him.

Thus learning is flouted in its own house and the greatest legal mind since Justinian’s performs its revolutions in vain.

Down go taxes! Bing, bing! Up go water rents? Bang-bang!

Message of the princes of the blood to the Hon. the Grand Jury:

Who’s loony now?

The standing of the clubs in the National Typhoid League for the week ended October 29:

Whereby it appears that the Orioles are now perfectly safe. Their percentage exceeds the percentages of the next two clubs combined, and no matter how dadly they may slump before the and of the season, they will still have a cinch on the pennant.

The attention of fans is now directed toward the series of post-season games for the championship of the world. In this series the participants will be, besides the Orioles, the Constantinople, Rio do Janeiro and Shanghai clubs. The betting is now 9 to 7 on the Orioles, with odds at 2 to 1 on the Rio de Janeiro Club for place.

In vaudeville the elder jest remains the one that’s the best, for ’tis the custom of the stage to venerate and honor age and look upon the old as blest.

Originality’s a pest that artists labor hard to best. Conservatism is the rage in vaudeville.

The artist’s arms are here expressed: A slapstick argent as a crest (it is an ancient heritage); a seltzer siphon gules. The wage of newness is a lengthy rest in vaudeville.

The Voice of the People, as the hot radiations bounce it in:

I voted for Harry Preston, and the more he busts loose the more gladder I am I done it. If them grand jurymen don’t feel sick now, then all I can say is, then nothing won’t never make them sick.