Baltimore Evening Sun (5 October 1911): 6.

If Baltimore is to make a really impressive showing at Atlanta, if the people of that fair city are to be properly amazed and flabbergasted, then there is need for quick work. The train leaves on Saturday. The super-Mahon has already engaged passage. Atlanta will feast its eyes upon that exquisite and lordly being. But a single elephant does not make a circus. If we are to strike Atlanta dumb we must send our whole show—the School Board, the First Branch City Council, the Royal Family, the Kitchen Cabinet; documents, photographs, plaster casts. And we must organize the expedition at once.

News came to me yesterday that the first division of the Barnum and Bailey Greatest Show on Earth had just arrived at Bridgeport, Conn., to go into winter quarters. I accordingly dispatched the following telegram to the press agent of the show:

Will you lend Baltimore six gilt floats and eight cases for use in Atlanta parade? If so, wire rent per day and probable cost of transportation to Atlanta. When can you deliver?

The following reply reached The Evening Sun office this morning:

Glad to lend floats and cages. No charge. Accept with our compliments. Cost of hauling Bridgeport-Baltimore and Baltimore-Atlanta and return about $800. Horses at Atlanta will cost about $200. Do you want costumes also? Can ship floats at two hours’ notice. Regards to Edwin L. Quarles.

Here, then, is a Golden Opportunity. At a total cost of $1,000—or, say, $1,200, to be on the safe side—Baltimore has a chance to show Atlanta its prize exhibits, to steal all the glory of the day, to paralyze the whole South with admiration and envy. One glimpse of the super-Mahon, of course, will spread a sickly greenish tinge over the Atlantan visage. But image the darkling, velvety emerald that will mantle there if we send the School Board!—Padgett!!—O’Conor!!!—Garland!!!!—the First Branch City Council!!!!!

A magnificent and affecting procession suggests itself. First, the Fifth Regiment band, playing “Hail to the Chief!” Then his Honor, in purple robes, upon a glittering gilt float, drawn by 100 snow-white horses—his Honor elevated to feet in the air, that no single eye may lose the marvel. And then two more huge floats, the one bearing the Royal Family and the other adorned with the ward bosses–“Bill” O’Conor, George Konig, “Gil” Dailey, “Bill” Garland and the rest.

A hiatus. Room for the young blackamoors of Atlanta. A chance for the common people to rest their dazzled eyes, to ease their strained necks. Then the second division of the great spectacle. A bay wagon full of indictments. The School Board on a scarlet float. strung with streamers bearing legends in honest American: “The Experience Ain’t Done Us No Harm,” “Us For the Common People,” “Van Sickle Be D———.” A pyre burning upon a sheet of asbestos. Joesting feeding it with grammar books. Biggs pronouncing eulogies, incantations.

And then the cages—eight of them, and all filled with judges and clerks of election. Or perhaps it will be possible to wedge the 84 into seven cages—a dozen per each. Let the eighth be given over to culprits who have offended against the old-fashioned administration, who have been tried by it and found wanting, who have been exiled by James Harry for high crimes and misdemeanors—Finney, Rowland, Van Sickle, Wise, West, Numsen, Fendall—all in chains. Finally, the City Councilmen in tumbrils, each driven by a ward boss.

But no! We have already disposed of the ward bosses. They are in a float in the first division, just after the Royal Family. Well, why not make the Councilmen walk? Let them walk—and carry banners, exhibits, object lessons. Let one carry a carboy of Baltimore water. Another the pennant of the Typhoid League. A third an enlarged photograph of a square yard of Baltimore cobblestones. A fourth—but load and adorn him as you please! Come forward with your suggestions. The time grows short. We must make haste, or the chance of a lifetime is lost.

And after the parade, why not a grand tournament and exbibition in some public hall? The “Light Cavalry” overture by the band. A speech in American by one of the school commissioners. A few strophes of the Biggian Prestoniad. A strophe or two of the McCayan version. A display of election day technique by the more accomplished judges and clerks. Lantern slides showing the bacterial content of Baltimore water. A sample meeting of the First Branch City Council—rich, racy, refined—the piece de resistance of the narrenfest. Finally, a brief address by his Honor, explaining his neat plans for sur-taxes and super-taxes, and inviting investors to bring their money to Baltimore.

Are we to miss this opportunity? The cost, remember, will be no more than $1,200. Can’t we get an appropriation from Mr. Dickey’s great booming fund of $100,000? Won’t the Merchants and Manufacturers’ Assiociation lend a hand? The money, if it is to be raised at all, must be raised today. There is not a moment to lose.

The standing of the clubs in the National Typhoid League for the week ended September 29:

The percentage of Baltimore, it will be observed, is still greater than the combined percentages of the three clubs next following, and but, slightly less than the combined percentages of the four clubs next following.

Meanwhile, the City Council continues its asses’ carnival—and the report of Dr. Bosley upon typhoid vaccination lies upon its table.

Why monkey with a new charter? Why not a ripper bill and government by commission? Are there any honest objections to that program? If so, I’ll be glad to print them.

Out in Baltimore county they are playing the fifth act of their perennial comedy. The session being over and the profits pocketed, the proprietors of the Back river resorts are haled into court to answer for their Sabbath-breaking. In a few weeks they will be solemnly fined and admonished to sin no more. And then they will begin preparations for next season.

From the salutatory of the super-Mahon:

Discourage the muckrakers and muckmakers and fault finders!

An effort, as it were, to prepare a defense in advance?