Baltimore Evening Sun (1 August 1911): 6.

Fortunately enough, the Back Basin and the City Council are in session together. Imagine them both radiating!

Portrait of an American moralist who believes that all persons who are not absolute teetotalers beat their wives, rob their children’s penny banks, never shave, bathe or have their hair cut, suffer from all known diseases of the liver, mind and arteries, and will die infallibly of delirium tremens, and in two places at once—to wit, in the gutter and in jail:

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New novels that might be considerably worse than they are:

“Thorpe’s Way,” by Morley Roberts. “A Big Horse to Ride,” by Elizabeth Dewing.

The thesaurus of American synonyms for intoxicated has gone to press, but still they come:

Tingled Soshed Inundated Sloshed

The following definitions of Prestonism pour in from the plain people:

The theory that the people know what they want and that they deserve to get it good and hard. The antidote for government by newspaper. A form of political hydrophobia. A political system based on the grand old doctrine that the public is an ass. Honesty, fidelity and courage. Government by posturing, with aside by John Philip Sousa. The application of common sense to the problems of municipal administration.

By which it appears that opinion is sadly divided. Further contributions will be made welcome.

The Voice of the People, as the sweet zephyrs from the basin waft it in:

If Hanlon don’t turn that trick, then nobody won’t.

From rabble-rousers and chemical purists, from men who drink too much and men who are afraid to drink at all, from anti-vivisectionists and anti-suffragettes, from sciatica and the City Council—kind fates, deliver us!

Swat the fly! Bathe the children! Watch the School Board! Send your money to the boomers!

More examples of the American language as she is spoke:

These hottish days always make we want to unloosen my collar. Excuse me: I never seen you. Them three nickels is for our fares—mine, hern and hisn.

How would you like to be the new superintendent of schools—with that posse of fair suggestresses on the job?

The principal parts of various irregular verbs in the American language:

Perfect Present. Past. Participle. Arrive Arrove Arriven Begin Begun Began Blow Blowed Blew Bust Busted Bust Buy Bought Boughten Bring Brung Brang Climb Clim Clumb Cling Clang Clung Creep Crep Crept Come Come Came Crow Crowed Crew Deal Dole Dole Dive Dove Dove Do Done Did Drag Drug Drug Draw Drawed Drew Drink Drunk Drank Drive Druv Drove Eat Et Et Fight Fought Fitten Fling Flang Flang Flow Flew Flowed Fly Flew Flew Git Got Gotten Give Give Gave Go Went Went Grow Growed Grew Heard Heerd Heerd Hide Hidden Hid Keep Kep Kep Know Knowed Knew Lend Loaned Lent Let Left Left Rise Riz Risen Ring Rung Rang Run Run Ran Say Sez Said See Seen Saw Sing Sung Sang Sit Set Set Skeer Skeered Skeert Slide Slid Slidden Sling Slang Slang Snow Snowed Snew Spin Span Spun Steal Stolen Stole String Strang Strang Sting Stang Stung Swim Swam Swum Swing Swang Swung Stand Stud Stud Throw Throwed Threwn Win Wan Wonned Wring Wrang Wrung Write Written Wrote

From an encyclical by the Hon. David Gibson, the official boom-master of Cleveland, Ohio.:

There is no natural reason why Cleveland should have been the oil centre of the world. It was simply John D. Rockefeller. He wanted to live in Cleveland, and his individuality, his personality, brought the oil to him. There is no reason why Boston should be the shoe market of the world. Simply some man who knew how to make shoes on a large scale wanted to live there and his success encouraged others to follow in his wake. There is no physical reason why Chicago should be the meat-packing centre of the world. It could as well have been St. Louis. Simply old Phil Armour wanted to live there.

Exactly. And a very bad way to encourage civilized and intelligent and enterprising human beings to move to Baltimore is to poison them with slimy drinking water, to force them to remain in bed all day Sunday and to hold the Back Basin under their noses.

Boil your drinking water—but be sure to do it on an open lot and with a brisk wind blowing!